1. Kelly Osbourne does not want that cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake.
Who knew cake could cause so much controversy, eh?
So, the story goes that once upon a time a lady called Kelly Osbourne was inundated with aggressive tweets after she said that Lady GaGa not walking the red carpet at the 2012 Grammys was "disrespectful" (in fact, the reason GaGa hadn't walked the carpet was out of respect for the recent death of Whitney Houston, but that is neither hither nor thither).
As you can predict, GaGa's insane Twitter fans went in HARD on Kelly Osbourne, which Kelly claimed went against what GaGa represented as an artist against bullying and the like. After one fan told Kelly to "kill yourself! for your own sake, pls do it", Kelly Osbourne suggested that Lady GaGa's fans really were "little monsters", the name GaGa herself nicknamed them way back in the day.
Surprisingly, rather than talking a load of "love not hate", "let's make art not hate", "let the bees of art carry nectar from the flower of pop" bullshit, Lady GaGa actually published an open letter to Kelly Osbourne where she called her a hypocrite (!!) and said that her show Fashion Police "breeds negativity".
Ouch. And, of course, it all unraveled over the weeks and months with Kelly's mother chucking her hat into the ring until we arrive at last night. To bring you up to speed, Kelly's mother Sharon Osbourne is currently judging on The X Factor here in the UK, where GaGa was scheduled to perform. It then emerged that Sharon and GaGa were hanging out at G-A-Y last night and managed to resolve their differences, the night before what happened to be Kelly Osbourne's birthday. GaGa then presented Sharon with a cake to give to Kelly, bearing the message "Happy Birthday Kelly".
And how did Kelly react to this photograph of her mother and someone she'd been in a very public feud with smiling and brandishing a birthday cake...?
Oh. Oh alright then. Did she leave it there...?
No, no she did not. #EatMyShit. Outstanding.
When GaGa's fans once again decided to send Kelly a barrage of negative tweets, she stepped in this time and issued this statement.
Of course, focusing on "the positive" of her performance is easier said than done as well, because it was total bollocks. She opened the show strumming a guitar before chucking herself in an over-choreographed number to her space-inspired new single Venus. I don't want to start pointing the finger or suggesting anything, but she did seem slightly erratic and clumsy and a little hyperactive. Perhaps she'd overdone it on the Lucozade
OR PERHAPS SHE'D HAD HERSELF A BIG FAT BUMP OF COCAINE BEFORE SHE CAME ONSTAGE oops of course not, GOD FORBID NO ONE AROUND HERE IS SUGGESTING ANYTHING THAT DEFAMING OR LIBELLOUS, NOSSIREEBOB.
For the second half of the performance her dancers fucked off and she performed her other new single (y'know, the one she put out and everyone loved so she was like OH YEAH THIS WAS THE PLAN ALL ALONG, SILLY, I ALWAYS WANTED TO PUT THIS OUT AS A SINGLE) Do What U Want which features Mr. Pissyknickers himself, R Kelly. It had some very unusual choreography where she threw herself on the floor, jumped around a bit and then sat down and played some piano before climbing on top of it
and howling at the moon like a mentalist.
In case you missed the total shitshow of a performance from Lady GaGa, you can watch it here:
It all culminates in a conversation with Dermot O'Leary so utterly awkward that she, at one point, begins speaking in Sofia Vergara's Colombian accent. Very strange.
Hey, do you remember that time when Lady GaGa could get away with literally anything and people would still say she was brilliant? So does Lady GaGa. In fact in Lady GaGa's head, and literally no one else's who doesn't have the word "monster" or "Germanotta" in their Twitter username, that time still exists. But it doesn't. GaGa clearly thinks that every Tom, Dick and Harry watching X Factor on a Sunday night has been waiting for ARTPOP with baited breath. But they haven't, in the time since she's been away they've been living their lives.
The problem is, she's come out as if nothing has changed, but frankly it has. It's not that people are "tired" of Lady GaGa or she's got "boring" or anything like that, but that above performance just isn't accessible to everybody is it? In fact, it was just total nonsense. Meaningless nonsense.
Hey. Hey GaGa? Gaga? Hey. Who's your favourite of the Roman gods..?
GaGa? Hey GaGa. What's your favourite planet in our solar system..?
Oh. Hey GaGa. Hey. Hey GaGa? GaGa? What's your favourite unincorporated community in Florida..?
Hey GaGa. What's your, erm...who's your favourite of the Williams sisters..?
Hey Kelly. What do you, erm....what do you think of Dannii Minogue..?
COME ON A STORY ABOUT KELLY OSBOURNE AND TWITTER AND YOU THOUGHT I'D GET TO THE END OF IT ALL AND NOT EVEN MENTION THIS? Sensational.
2. Everything is ship-shape and shiny with Kim Kardashian, thank you very much.
You'll be pleased to hear, everyone, that the miracle of child birth has not totally destroyed Kim Kardashian's
money maker vagina.
Yes the woman who kept a piece of chewing gum in her mouth even when being taken roughly from behind in her infamous sex tape has kept it as classy as ever by revealing that days after giving birth to her ridiculously named daughter North West she had a look at her fanny in the mirror.
In an episode of the brain cell-destroying Keeping Up With The Kardashians, Kim confided in sister Khloe Kardashian (and, y'know, the millions of people watching): "When I came back from the hospital the first thing I did was go and look at my vagina in the mirror. It looks better looking than before".
Well let's face it, North West's birth wasn't exactly the first strenuous adventure for Kim's vagina, was it? In my head Kim sneezed North West out, if I'm being honest.
Meanwhile, last week Kim and long-term boyfriend Kanye West got engaged, and while he was proposing he had an orchestra play one of his own songs. Of course he fucking did. The only surprising thing about Kanye's proposal is that he didn't get Kim to put on a mask of his own face to make his "I love you" sound a bit more sincere.
3. Chris Brown risks it all in the name of casual homophobia.
Occasional singer and perpetual cunt Chris Brown is in the news again. Can you guess why? Remember when he punched Rihanna in the face and then said he was going to stop punching people in the face? And then remember when he punched Frank Ocean in the face and said he was going to stop punching people in the face? Well, Chris Brown has only gone and PUNCHED SOMEONE ELSE IN THE FACE.
Not just anyone, though, but a fan.
What allegedly transpired was that Chris Brown was taking a photo with a female fan when her mate, Isaac Adams Parker, tried to get in on the photo as well. That silly sausage Chris Brown didn't take too kindly to that, and reacted by punching the lad in the face with the comment "I'm not into this gay shit, I'm into boxing".
Once again, that's "I'm not into this gay shit, I'm into boxing". And a smack in the chops.
What Chris Brown seems to have temporarily forgotten is that he is still on probation for attacking his ex-girlfriend Rihanna back in 2009, and so after being arrested it could well be that Chris Brown ends up in the slammer for violating the terms of his probation.
At least one thing we can all take away from this is the knowledge that Chris Brown is not interested in any "gay shit", and please let me speak on behalf of all of my gay and bisexual brethren and say: Chris Brown, we're not interested in your "shit" either. So you might as well have saved yourself a punch. You horrible and insufferable cunt.
Aaaaaaaaaaand that's it.