Judging from the title of this blog, containing the words "Paris Hilton", "Pitbull" and "Justin Bieber", you'd be forgiven for thinking this was a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Bellend Roundup, but in fact they all have new songs out, and now I am going to tell you whether any of them are up to much in a new edition of NMEeeeeeh.
Paris Hilton, feat. Lil Wayne - Good Time
It's been over seven long years since Paris Hilton released her debut album, the imaginatively titled Paris, which contained such musical treats as the reggae-lite Stars Are Blind, the Dr.-Luke-before-he-was-even-Dr.-Luke Nothing In This World and Grease-inspired I Want You. It was truly a mixed bag, but honestly when it was good it was really good.
Well after a break from the music industry, and fading almost completely into irrelevancy thanks to the rise of the Kardashians, Paris has finally made her musical comeback in the form Good Time, produced by Afrojack and featuring grotesque rapper and sizzurp-endorser Lil Wayne.
I'm not even kidding here, four seconds into this song and it's abundantly clear that it is going to be exactly what you'd expect from a woman in 2013 whose star, which never shone all that brightly to begin with, has now been almost completely extinguished. Four seconds in there have been three dated-sounding Ultrabeat-esque synth chimes and an AutoTuned "oh I love it", cooed from Miss Hilton herself, and the whole thing already sounds like something Jessica Wright from The Only Way Is Essex would deem too cheap-sounding for her own record.
And then, lying around in a bikini like only Paris Hilton can, the chorus kicks in...
Are you having a good time?
'Cos I'm having a good time
...so already Paris has rhymed "good time" with "good time". Sensational.
And I may be a bit tipsy
But it's OK 'cos you're with me.
I HOPE THE "YOU" IN QUESTION, PARIS, ISN'T LINDSAY LOHAN BECAUSE SHE IS FRESH OUT OF REHAB AND DETERMINED TO TURN OVER A NEW LEAF. That's all I can say.
My favourite part is when Lil Wayne shows up for his (of course, awful) rap, which opens with "I'm fucked up, I don't know what's what" which presumably is his way of defending the fact he agreed to appear on this terrible song.
Seriously, people, this song is just bad. It actually sounds like what would happen if somebody gave Regina George's mother a recording contract. I'm not kidding, this isn't so much "so bad it's good" as "so 'so bad it's good' it's bad". The production is cheap-sounding, which is ironic since Paris Hilton basically shits money. Meanwhile the lyrics are so unimaginative that if you took a shot for every time Paris sang the word "shot" you'd probably end up as fucked up as Paris Hilton typically is when she gets behind the wheel of her car.
If you don't believe me, then you can listen to Good Time yourself here:
Remarkable. It just goes to show that with enough money it doesn't matter you have all the charisma and talent as a bag of oranges! Hooray for that! Inspired by this thought, how many Monopoly men out of five does Paris Hilton's new single get?
Pitbull - Timber, feat. Ke$ha
And from one person who has no business making music to another- Pitbull has a new single out and this time he's dragging Ke$ha down with him! HOORAY!
The song opens with a harmonica solo, before Ke$ha comes in from the chorus. It's nice to hear that she's decided to ditch the AutoTune for a change and show off what is actually a very nice singing voice. When I heard the song was called Timber I did fear it would be a song about erections, but it's actually all to do with a party "going down" ("it's going down, I'm yelling 'timber', you better move, you better dance), which is good because there just aren't enough songs about partying in the charts at the moment, so well done to Pitbull for exploring this underused musical territory.
While Ke$ha's chorus is very catchy (who knows, she might actually get a top 10 hit with this one!?), Pitbull's rapping verses are pretty much what you'd expect from him, with lyrics like "I have 'em like Miley Cyrus, clothes off, twerking in their bras and thongs". What a wordsmith.
You can hear Timber for yourself by clicking below:
Better than that bastard Paris Hilton song, anyway.
Justin Welsh (né Bieber) - Heartbreaker
Available to download now
Now, for a long time Justin Bieber has been teasing his fans on his Instagram account with images like this, implying he had some kind of new music coming soon. More to the point, he's been teasing me on his Instagram account with images like this, this and this. Wow. Just wow.
Anyway, yesterday Justin put his latest offering Heartbreaker online, the first track from his upcoming album. While I've made no secret about the sordid activities I'd like Justin Bieber and myself to participate in, one thing I'm less sure of is his music. Some of his songs (I'm talking Somebody To Love, As Long As You Love Me and, to a lesser extent Beauty and a Beat) are pretty good. Some of his songs are just OK. And some of them are a steaming pile of poo.
His new song falls into the second camp. It's actually got an *NSync slow jam vibe around it, with lyrics about inviting a lass to a "secret place" and "standing in the rain" (I can only hope and pray that in the accompanying video Biebs will actually be standing in the rain).
Sound-wise it's the most mature thing Justin has put out yet (though he's hardly got competition from songs like Baby and One Time has he?), and there's an actual TALKING bit where he says "So what I'm really trying to say is...in spite of all the imperfections that I have I still wanna be your man".
OH JUSTIN, OF COURSE YOU CAN BE MY MAN.
Give Heartbreaker a listen, and try if you can not to pre-judge it just because it's Justin Bieber. If you can overlook this fact, it's not half bad: