Tuesday, 22 November 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.


I keep starting blogs about my year abroad, but weirdly for someone who spends a good 75% of my time talking at people about myself, I find it difficult to sit down and write about what's going on. Since my last Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup not a lot has changed here in Le Mans, but quite a bit has gone on in the world of celebrities so why don't I talk about all that for now and then we'll see if I have anything half as interesting to say about myself at a later date, oui? Oui...

1. Rihanna wears a naughty shoe which if we're all being honest no one could give a fuck about.


OK so to truly understand this story we're going to have to hop in the time machines in our mind to this time last year, when Rihanna appeared on The X Factor final to perform what was then her new single, which we came to know as What's My Name? a song asking someone what your name is while they're performing oral sex on you, although realistically with a mouthful of labia it's quite difficult to form the phonemes necessary to convey the word "Rihanna" which is probably why she repeats "what's my name?" so many times during the song.

So anyway, as I'm sure you remember, loads of people phoned OFCOM to say "THAT NICE MAN MATT CARDLE WAS JUST SINGING A SONG NICELY WHEN SUDDENLY THIS HARLOT APPEARED AND STARTED GYRATING, IF IT WASN'T FOR HER I'D SAY HE HAD A LONG AND FRUITFUL CAREER AHEAD OF HIM BUT SHE'S MORE OR LESS PUT THE NAIL IN HIS COFFIN NOW. AWFUL."

In the 12 months that followed, practically every time Rihanna's name was mentioned in the Daily Mail the article concluded with "the Bajan pop princess caused a stir with a saucy/racy (delete as applicable) performance alongside Christina Aguilera at last year's final". If you don't believe me you can look through their archives for yourself.

Therefore when it was revealed that Rihanna would be making a return to the X Factor stage, this time to perform her Calvin Harris-produced single We Found Love (without that dead weight Matt Cardle hanging around) people were eager to see if she'd be making a similar controversy. What would she be wearing? What would she be doing? Would she mention last year's controversy?

As it turns out it was a pretty bog-standard performance, she came out dressed like a pack of shortbread, didn't even bother to pretend she was singing live for most of the song and reminded everyone her album would be out this week. And then she disappeared. Controversy-free. Or so it seemed...

You see Rihanna had a secret message slyly written on the side of one of her shoes, the simply message "fuck off". Nice. Naturally people are now pretending this has caused a giant stir with loads of people being offended, although actually when the performance was first aired nobody even noticed and therefore no one gave a shit and therefore (yes I said therefore twice WHAT OF IT?) the whole thing is a heap of shite. And now I'm repeating it and further spreading the shite.

Let's have a round of applause for celebrity blogging, everyone...

2. One Direction are feeling especially modest about their most recent single release.


The good thing about Twitter is that it really allows fans to get closer to the artists they love and admire. More importantly, it gives the artists themselves the chance to give fans an intimate look at their lives that they might not get to see otherwise. It allows the artist to show other sides to their character. For example, for all of their tomfoolery on stage, Twitter really shows the softer, more modest side to the boys of One Direction.

Of the One Direction (or 1D as the cool kids call them) lads, Liam Payne and Niall Horan are probably the two that tweet the most (the others are probably off buying chinos in bulk) but despite the fact that their latest single Gotta Be You was brand new on iTunes this week, thankfully Liam and Niall didn't let it dominate their Twitter feeds...


And it's certainly a relief to see, on a social networking site like Twitter, that the boys of One Direction have their feet firmly on the ground and still have it lodged firmly in their heads that as a group who came third on The X Factor they're lucky to have any chart success they can get...





What's really good to know is that the boys have stayed humble regardless of the "rollercoaster ride" they've been on the past 12 months, and are grateful for any chart success they can get. In fact it's clear when reading the boys' Twitter feeds that success isn't what drives them, and chart positions aren't really important-- they're clearly humbled by the fact that even esteemed pop acts such as Robyn and Nicola Roberts' most recent singles peaked at 55 and 40 respectively, so as long as they're making people happy who cares about the charts...



Gotta Be You, if you're interested, debuted at number 3 on Sunday.


Indeed.

3. Prepare yourself for this one, folks.


If you thought that Christmas was about joy and merriment, then you can think abloodygain, OK???? Lady GaGa has arrived with her new EP A Very GaGa Holiday and she's here to remind you what Christmas is all about-- her VERY SERIOUS, self-indulgent jazz inspired vocals, of course!

Because every now and then Lady GaGa needs to remind us that even though her entire first album was based around embracing the shallow side of life and her desperation to be famous for at the very least the 15 minutes Andy Warhol promised her, she's actually also a very serious, artiste and musician. That's why she's chosen to debut this cover of festive classic White Christmas but with a twist.

To prove her skills as a songwriter, she's also decided that the festive classic that's been passed down across generations is actually not long enough for her so rather than do what, you know, EVERYONE HAS DONE SINCE THE SONG WAS FIRST PERFORMED and sing the verse again, she's actually written her own piss-poor lyrics. If you're wondering what provoked her to do that, then you're in luck because during an instrumental middle 8, GaGa addresses the listener directly. It's as if she knew that we'd all be wondering "what the fuck was she thinking?"

"So...as you can tell I'm very outgoing", she explains over a horn solo, "And a little bit shy...BUT I DECIDED that this song is just too short". She then goes on to perform a second verse where she longs for a "white snowman". I'm not entirely sure what comes next because I could feel my blood pressure soaring with rage and thought it best to turn the song off (still it could have been worse, if she'd got her hands on "The Twelve Days Of Christmas" and added some extra verses we'd end up with 14 Beautiful People Just Being Themselves As God Intended or, more likely, 13 Bumlords Bumming)

If you'd like to listen to GaGa's laborious cover of White Christmas, and frankly after that glowing review why wouldn't you, here it is:



I can't be the only person who thought of this Family Guy moment as soon as I heard her sing "whhhhhite Christmas" for the first time...?


"Why are you putting so much emphasis on the 'h'?"

As if the whole thing wasn't ridiculous and pretentious enough, let's remind ourselves of the last time Lady GaGa did a Christmas song, shall we..?



The times have truly changed.

C'est tout.
A bientôt!
x

Sunday, 20 November 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I'm sorry my blogging is so infrequent these days, I'm busy running around pretending to know what I'm doing in front of classes of French teenagers, making to-do lists and not doing a thing on them and MOST IMPORTANTLY waking up on Saturday mornings knowing full well I have been sick somewhere in my flat but having no idea where.

It's not just me that's been all engines go, though. Just because celebrities aren't running around (read: dossing about) on their year abroad doesn't mean they aren't up to stuff. Here is some of that stuff in an all new Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Some kid makes a prick of himself on American X Factor.


I don’t know about you, but it seems to me like the American X Factor is trudging along with no one paying the blindest bit of interest. Between that and the reportedly falling ratings for the UK series (coupled with the fact no one seems to give a fuck who wins this year), it wouldn’t be an outrageous claim that Simon Cowell may be a tad nervous for the future of the brand he’s put everything he’s got into.

Thankfully, there was (finally!) a bit of interest in the American series this week, courtesy of teenage rapper Astro (not to be confused with the dog off The Jetsons). Despite being one of the critics’ favourites, the 14-year-old had the misfortune of finding himself in the bottom two this week following a performance of Sting’s Every Breath You Take which prompted judge L.A. Reid to tell him that he has more maturity than some of the older contestants.

What L.A. Reid was not aware of was that when Astro found out that he was one of the acts in the bottom two that week that he would throw all of his toys out of the pram and essentially tell the audience they weren't worthy of listening to him perform. Initially he came out, and told the audience to a shower of boos that he didn’t feel it was "necessary" for him to “sing for survival”. And they said Cher Lloyd was an X Factor brat...

Simon went on to ask why he initially didn’t want to perform, to which Astro (real name Brian- LOL) said he didn’t want to perform for an audience of people who obviously didn’t want him there. Simon then told Astro t

o “think of his mother watching”, which is the best way to shame a 14-year-old boy into doing anything, although despite his stinking attitude he ended up being saved by three of the four judges meaning he goes on to rap another day.

Let’s remind ourselves of one of the best rap performances we’ve ever seen on a Simon Cowell show:


And one of the worst:


DEAR ME.

2. Chantelle Houghton is up the duff.


This one literally writes itself.

After a series of very public failed relationships with Preston off the Ordinary Boys and then Rav Wilding (who famously called the paparazzi to photograph a romantic picnic he'd planned for her only to start screaming at her and reducing her to tears in front of the UK's media photographers), Chantelle Houghton has finally been given a visit by the stork. And who’s the lucky man who’s spunked up in her? It’s bloody well only her bloody fiancé Alex bloody Reid isn’t it? Yes it is.

The two reality stars, who have both won Celebrity Big Brother in the past, got engaged last month after Alex proposed to her live on air, which is all well and good except he’s not technically divorced from Katie Price (the only person on earth with bigger jugs than the aforementioned Rav Wilding’s) which means that it could well be time to SOUND THE BIGAMY SIREN.

Katie and Alex split up last year among rumours that Katie was uncomfortable with Alex for wanting to be famous in his own right, as well as reports that she would ridicule him for being unable to get her pregnant and that he was fat.

The couple had been told by doctors they would not be able to conceive naturally, and Chantelle told OK! magazine that they were in fact just days away from starting IVF treatments. Chantelle claims that she had all of the hormones in her fridge ready to get started, although apparently she destroyed them by putting them too far back in the fridge and freezing them.

Amazing.

I look forward to what Katie Price will be pulling from up her sleeve next to steal their thunder.

3. Lady GaGa gets ready to marry the night. No word yet on whether it's a church service or a registry office job.


You might have seen Lady GaGa on last week’s X Factor performing her new single Marry The Night (One Direction were also there but the chances are unless you’re a teenage girl at the height of your frenzied sexual awakening you didn’t even pay them any attention). The song is a high-energy dance number about leaving your inhibitions behind and surrendering to the night time, so in a completely logical bit of staging GaGa performed the song dressed as a decapitated woman holding her own head in a confessional box.

If you missed the performance, you can watch it here:


What a daft bitch.

Anyway the other day Lady GaGa tweeted that because her fans had been so supportive of her performances of Marry The Night so far (and there were a lot of them, not surprising since Yoü and I peaked at 23 in the UK charts) that she’d be revealing a preview of her upcoming video entitled “Marry The Night: The Prelude Pathétique” (it’s gotten to the stage of pretentiousness now where even the previews of her music videos need names). She later clarified that she’d only be publishing a minute and a half of the preview. Apparently the full preview lasts 7 minutes and the video itself is her longest day to date.

Longer than Ale-ale-bloody-jandro-ale-ale-oh-my-god-this-is-going-on-forever-andro? Longer than Tele-what-the-fuck-is-even-going-on-you-were-in-prison-five-minutes-ago-and-suddenly-youre-making-a-cyanide-laced-sandwich-in-a-diner-with-Beyoncé-phone? Really? REALLY THOUGH?

GaGa eventually revealed the preview (which is essentially a preview of a preview) this Thursday, in which is seen being dragged around what appears to be a mental institution by two nurses. GaGa herself narrates over the top with the opening line: “when I look back on my life it’s not that I don’t want to see things exactly as they happened”. She then goes on to claim that she’s filled in the “ugly” holes in her memory to make them “beautiful” again.

For once I’m with GaGa on this one. For example, I was out in Le Mans with my new aren’t-we-fantastic-we’re-on-our-year-abroad mates and ended up drinking too much and essentially feeling up every heterosexual male in the bar. When I look back on that night, I prefer to think of us all drinking brandy, playing billiards and maybe shooting a pheasant rather than them cowering in a corner rocking backwards and forwards wishing not so much they’d never come to France as much as that they’d never been born, while I invite them all back to my studio apartment to enter me. According to Lady GaGa choosing to live in this alternate universe makes me an artist. I belive her.

You can watch “Marry The Night: The Prelude Pathétique” right this second right here if you want. There is not a second’s worth of music in it which seems slightly unusual for a music video:


For the record if this isn’t the world’s worst bum-number than I think it’s going to be her best music video yet.

That's it.
A bientôt!

Sunday, 13 November 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I know I shouldn't have kept you waiting.
But I'm here now.

What would you know? I've been in France for more than six weeks now and I finally have Internet in my flat. I'll fill you all in on what I've been up to soon, but first I think it's time to get back to doing what I do best (which is evidently not teaching English, being in any way hands-on when it comes to making decisions about my own life or, indeed, talking to Southern people about anything besides Newcastle).

Let's slag some famous people off for no good reason in yet another Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Frankie Cocozza has, once and for all, proved himself to be a massive, massive twat.


So, as you know, I’ve been out of the country for some time meaning my coverage of this year’s X Factor has been rather sparse. In fact, I’ve felt rather out of the loop about the whole thing, relying solely on Twitter and the word of my nutty parents to give me the scoop on which contestants are doing well and which are disgracing themselves and, indeed, the entire nation.

Week after week, though, I was appalled to learn that the British public were voting to keep that massive bellend Frankie Cocozza in the country. You might recall when Frankie first auditioned for the competition, I took an immediate dislike to him largely because he described himself as “mental” and got his arse out for the entire nation before he’d even sung a note. Poor old Justin Bieber sings a few OK songs and becomes a figure of hate while Frankie Cocozza pulls down his miserable Calvins to show his pathetic anus off to the nation and gets a fast-track to his fifteen minutes of fame. Ridiculous.

As this year’s competition trudged along (let’s be honest, this has been the worst year since Leon Jackson won and even that had Sharon Osbourne’s very public dispute with Dannii Minogue to keep us all entertained) it seems Frankie’s “antics” (*vomits*) have become even more controversial with reports that he has been shagging girls left, right and centre. He even stirred up controversy when he announced on The Xtra Factor that he had “banged” one of the Geordie Shore lasses, which is a bit like telling people you’ve been to Majorca for your summer holidays; I’m sure you had a great time and everything but so did a thousand other people.

So anyway, in a SENSATIONAL twist, it was announced earlier this week that Frankie ahs been SENSATIONALLY kicked off the show in what can only be described as a giant SENSATION. According to an official statement from the show, Frankie had broken a “golden rule” of the show. At first I thought the “golden rule” must have involved being a giant, giant bell-end but that would also have meant an automatic elimination for Janet Devlin and, indeed, the entire judging panel so that can’t have been it.

Rumours then began to circulate that Frankie had been bragging backstage that he’d been snorting cocaine just hours after being told by rock god Louis Walsh that he is “not a rockstar” and “never will be”. Frankie then took to his Twitter to defend himself with the following tweet:


Let’s face it, that’s a bit of a pathetic statement, isn’t it? A bit like being dumped by someone and then putting “WHATEVS NEVA FANCIED U ANYWAY MATE” as your Facebook status, isn’t it?

As for using The X Factor as a start, it’s pleasing to see that Frankie will not let this affect his journey and will be keeping his eyes on the prize. LOL JK WHICH REALITY SHOW DO WE THINK FRANKIE WILL BE APPEARING ON FIRST? I’d suggest Dancing On Ice but by the sounds of things it seems like Frankie prefers grass and snow to ice.

DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE OF ALL THE DRUGS HE IS REPORTED TO HAVE INGESTED!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

What a prick.

2. Could it be that Justin Bieber has enough testosterone whizzing around inside of him to impregnate another human being?


It’s news so shocking that we’ve even been discussing it in some of my lessons- there is a young lady out there declaring that Justin Bieber is the father of her four-month-old baby. Baby. Baby.

Justin himself is not happy, and has claimed that he has never even met Mariah Yeater, the 20-year-old woman claiming she took Justin’s virginity in a toilet and consequently became pregnant with his child. And they say romance is dead, eh?

The lass herself is hardly the most reliable of sources, though. As if the story wasn’t already murky enough, she’s already told someone else that he is the father and is currently due to face a judge after she smacked one of her ex-boyfriends around. One thing is for sure and that is that Mariah Yeater is something of a crazy bitch, but you can’t just go around saying people are the father of your baby when they aren’t, can you?

Justin himself, of course, is not best pleased, and has branded the whole debacle as “crap and lies” on his Twitter page. However, he has agreed to take a paternity test to hopefully put the whole thing to bed. It’s not yet known whether he will be using Jeremy Kyle’s services in order to set the record straight, but I can only pray that he does. The thought of Jezza shouting “PUT SOMETHING AT THE END OF IT” before going to Selena Gomez in the audience, telling her “you’re mic’ed up already, welcome to the show” is a dream I pray comes to fruition...

The sad truth if Justin turns out to be the father of the child is, of course, that even Justin Bieber is managing to get laid more than me :(

3. Madonna has a new song out and it is worth listening to, unless you’ve already made your mind up about her in which case listening to it is a waste of time.


It’s not always easy being a Madonna fan. Often, you find yourself having to defend her against people who claim she’s “too old”, “irrelevant” and “trying too hard”. Sometimes, when she’s on the top of her game making banging pop records and telling fans she hates the flowers they’ve brought for her, she makes herself easy to defend. Other times, when she’s thrusting her Crunchy-Nut-Cornflakes-fanny in your face and making up stories about dance-offs with Lady GaGa, it’s more difficult to defend her.

That’s why when it was revealed that her upcoming single Give Me All Your Love, produced by Martin Solveig, had leaked online I was apprehensive. While, of course, I was excited to hear her latest music, her last offering featured a phoned-in verse from Lil Wayne where she boasted “my sex is a killer” and told us “my love’s a revolver-volver-volver” until images of Madonna’s vulva were indeed burned on the inside of your eyelids.

Thankfully one listen to Give Me All Your Love more or less affirms that the Hard Candy era is officially over. Gone are cries of “see my bootie get down” and references to her crusty vagina. Instead she’s put out an unselfconscious and, especially by Madonna’s standards, fun song which sounds very 2011 without sounding like it’s trying too hard to be “young” or “current”.

I have a specific message for people who think Madonna is too old to be making music these days, particularly pop music which has a history of being youth-obsessed. This is a job Madonna has been in for 30 years, why should she back down just because she isn’t 22 anymore? Think about your own mother, would you be happy if someone told her she couldn’t do her job anymore just because of her age?

On a similar train of thought, I must admit that looking back Hard Candy did seem, in retrospect, to be trying a bit too hard. If my mam put out an album like Hard Candy, I wouldn’t really be supportive. However, if my mam was to release a single like Give Me All Your Love I would be very happy indeed. In fact, if any record producers are reading this, I believe my mam was put on this earth to perform a song just like Give Me All Your Love at G-A-Y on a Saturday night for a group of largely underage homosexuals off their face on half-price VK and poppers. If someone could make this happen I’d be very grateful.

I could describe it for you till the cows come home and moo through the letterbox, but really all you want is a clip, right? Right.


Good, innit?

Someone who’s less than won over by the leaked song, however, is ex-Girls Aloud singer Nicola Roberts, whose tweets would seem to imply that, like hundreds of others on Twitter, she has noticed similarities between her own song Beat Of My Drum and the new Madonna single, namely the opening line (“L-U-V Madonna”) which is strikingly similar to the chorus of Nicola’s debut single (“L-O-V-E, dance to the beat of my drum).

IN AN AMAZING TWIST, fellow Girls Aloud member Cheryl Cole tried to console Nicola...


...but it was no good...


WOWIE.

Meanwhile, Madonna’s reps have claimed that the leak is only a demo and Madonna is said to be fuming that the song has leaked. I imagine she took her frustration out in the typical Madonna fashion by chucking her youngest across the living room.

The song will be performed live for the first time at the Superbowl, which will apparently feature a collaboration between Lady Madge and Nicki Minaj which, let’s face it, will probably give me a heart attack. I’m trying not to think too much about it in case I spontaneously combust.

That’s it.
I’m back.
It feels good.
Laters!