On Sunday night I went out to Newcastle with Carla. It had been a while, and we had a lot of catching up to do. Carla told me that she had to be up at 5am the following day, so we agreed not to make it a particularly late one. Thankfully, it was the night the VMAs were screening online so I was secretly relieved that I would be home by the time that they started and I could watch them comfortably in my own bed.
However, the reality did not quite match my expectations. What we had not counted on was the fact it was Bank Holiday Weekend and that our quiet Sunday drink would take place along hoards of partying folks. Eventually we realised that, unable to beat them, we would have to join them and ended up having far more to drink than intended. I ended up getting home 5 minutes before the VMAs were due to begin, having had an excellent time swinging Carla around the dance-floor, being, frankly, pretty drunk indeed.
Was I going to let the fact I was somewhat intoxicated stop me from live-tweeting the biggest event in my celebrity calendar...?
Welcome, one and all, to the official "Silly Old Daniel Drunken VMA Summary In Tweets" 2011.
Having worn her notorious meat-dress, Lady GaGa clearly realised she was going to have to really raise the stakes (or, indeed, the steaks!) for this year's ceremony, and she certainly did not disappoint. Instead she made herself one of the main talking points of the evening, appearing as male alter-ego Jo Calderone to perform her latest single Yoü and I after giving a speech about how "he" is sick of Lady GaGa.
"Jo, I am theatre," 'Jo' tells us Lady GaGa once said to him in a monologue that goes on JUST A LITTLE too long, "And this is just rehearsal".
He also presented the "Michael Jackson Vanguard Video Award" to Britney Spears, telling the audience that "he" used to have posters of Britney on his ceiling which he would touch himself over. Did Britney look impressed with Jo giving her opening speech..?
Whatever your opinion on Jo Calderone (some people found it self-indulgent and embarrassing, personally I thought it was an inspired idea), it must be noted that between her quiff and her dark brown eyes, her brash attitude and the fact she's a bloke with a woman's voice, it couldn't be more obvious that Lady GaGa wants to be me. Sort it out, woman.
Justin Bieber won his second ever VMA at the ceremony, this time in the "Best Male Video" for his song U Smile, beating competition from Eminem and Kanye West, not bad for a lad who's not legally allowed anything stronger than Tizer for his celebratory drink. Unfortunately, Justin did himself no favours in making himself look like less of a douche, first of all opening his speech with "I'd like to say thank you not only to God but to Jesus" (You can practically hear Selena Gomez making her excuse she can't see him anymore at this point, can't you?) but also by heading up to the stage looking like he got dressed in the dark...
At this point in the show Joe Jonas arrived on the stage to announce Chris Brown was up next performing. For some reason, though, he ended up bigging Chris Brown up so much that if his speech had ended "Ladies and gentlemen, up next it's Jesus Christ", before the Messiah came out and french-kissed Jo Calderone it would still have been a let-down.
The entertainment industry's willingness to forgive Chris Brown so much not only for his horrible attack on Rihanna but for his stinking attitude and boastful homophobia on Twitter has always baffled me (for example, me and Catherine once saw Katy Perry in Powerhouse and she was dancing her arse off to Yeah 3x, it was a really sad moment and I prayed her supposed BFF Rihanna would never find out about it), but the crowd's reaction to Chris Brown's performance was just unnecessary.
His performance itself was predictably conceited and smug, with Chris dressing up in all white and being flung around the stage on wires like Peter Pan with roid-rage, and the worst thing of all was that his miming was so bad that Britney Spears was in the audience thinking that even she could do a better job than him.
Unfortunately it seems like he's not going anywhere, but as it's been a while since I mentioned Chris on this blog I'd just like to re-iterate my feeling that I wish he would fuck off and live the rest of his days under a stone somewhere.
Since Britney Spears was launched in the go-go 1990s (named the "decade of dreams" by the philosopher Emma Marie Stephenson), her most iconic appearances have always revolved around MTV. Whether you were watching her answer your questions on TRL, delving behind the scenes of her videos on Making The Video or seeing Ashton Kutcher making her look like even more of an idiot than you already thought she was on Punk'd it's fair to say that MTV and Britney Spears have always fed off one another like the filthy parasites they both are.
Undoubtedly, though, Britney has always sparkled at the VMAs most of all. Some of her most iconic moments, from carrying a snake onstage during I'm A Slave 4 U to kissing Madonna after a performance of Like A Virgin, the VMAs have always been a big deal for Britney Spears. So when the advert aired for this year's show, the rumour-mill went into overdrive over how the show would be honouring BritBrit's achievements...
Some claimed Britney would be performing a medley of her hits at the ceremony, while another popular rumour claimed that some of the biggest stars of today would be singing their own versions of Britney's songs (Nicki Minaj and Ke$ha were rumoured to be covering Gimme More, which truly would have been the greatest thing that happened not just at the VMAs but in the history of the world).
Instead some dancers did a very-impressive-but-about-far-too-short tribute dance which consisted of clips of about 10 of Britney's songs each lasting about 15 seconds. The whole thing was very "blink and you'll miss it", which is a shame because it seems like Britney deserved a bit more than that.
There's a lot of Britney fans on both Twitter and Tumblr right now claiming that MTV completely used Britney as a way of getting people to watch their award show, and this is where I have to step in and disagree. Nobody else got their own tribute in the show, no one else got their entire careers celebrated and no one else got an award for their contributions to music. It was up to Britney to big up the moment. If Britney is not up to making a memorable speech, or even appearing in her own tribute performance, then that is her problem.
Another criticism people have of the ceremony is that by having Lady GaGa present the award, and Beyoncé perform immediately after, that Britney was eclipsed by it all. Once again, I have to disagree. If the shoe was on the other foot, and it was Britney presenting an award to GaGa, would GaGa have let anyone take the moment away from her? No she would not. It was up to no one but Britney to make sure that she was the star in her own moment, and the sad truth is that she is just not up to it anymore. I know I seem to do nothing but slag Britney Spears off on this blog these days, but that's only because as one of her biggest fans, I have never felt so disappointed by her as I have been during this Femme Fatale era.
She looked pretty though. I'll give her that.
Beyoncé became the most talked about person at this year's VMAs, as she took the opportunity to more or less announce that she was pregnant. First of all she took to the stage to perform Love On Top from her album 4. To be honest, I don't have that album, so I don't know the song, and I was quite drunk and tired by this stage in the proceedings, so I wasn't really paying attention at this stage. She was also wearing a glittery pink jacket which made her look like a 50-something bingo caller circa 1996.
However, it was what happened after the performance that got people talking, as Beyoncé unbuttoned her jacket to reveal that she has the slightest hint of baby bump, which she then proceeded to rub and have a little chuckle as the crowd went wild around her.
This, of course, means one of two things:
1. Beyoncé is pregnant.
2. Beyoncé had a Nando's an hour before taking to the stage, and is proudly showing the crowd that she is unashamed of the bloated state it has left her in.
The camera then cut to this beautiful image of Jay-Z and Kanye West celebrating:
This, too, means one of two things:
1. Kanye West is proud of his good friend Jay-Z for having fertile sperm and knocking up his wife, Beyoncé.
2. Kanye West is proud of his good friend Jay-Z for taking his wife, Beyoncé to Nando's, and would like to go there himself.
Whether it's a baby or a trip to Nando's, a big congratulations to Beyoncé.
Katy Perry looked an absolute mess at the ceremony, particularly after a costume change she made before accepting her award for "Video Of The Year" for Firework. I'm all for expressing yourself through innovative fashion choices, and normally I think Katy dresses like a real star, but there is no excuse for this heap of shite:
Between the faded pink hair, the clunky shoes and what appears to be a large wedge of cheese on her head, the whole thing is just wrong wrong wrong. She looks like she's in her early 50s, rather than one of the biggest names in popular music right at this moment. Unfortunate.
And so, 4.30am rolled around. My drunkenness was very nearly over, and I could feel the clutches of a hangover beginning to kick in. The ceremony was over, and I was read to give my feelings on the event as a whole. How did I feel, having stayed up two and a half hours to watch Katy Perry put a block of cheese on her head and Chris Brown bounce around to distract the audience from the fact he's a violent thug..?
(Photo of Britney and Jo Calderone nicked from Shut Up That's Awesome.)