Right so you might remember last month I wrote something rather cruel along the lines of BRITNEY SPEARS IS A JOKE SHE IS A FLACID PENIS I HOPE SHE GETS HIT BY A BUS etc. after her two fairly ropey performances at the AMA Awards. Before you all judge me too harshly I got a load of comments and tweets going YES DANIEL YOU'RE RIGHT I CURSE THE DAY BRITNEY WAS BORN I WILL SPIT ON HER GRAVE AND IF I EVER SAW HER IN THE STREET I WOULD KICK HER IN THE SHINS AND STEAL HER PURSE, so you're all just as bad. I'll forgive you, though, because I love you all that much.
Anyway, the blog in question concluded with the rather ominous-sounding "The I Wanna Go video is coming soon. Watch this space" (seriously, who the fuck do I think I am sometimes?). This was literally me writing Britney Spears off and going "unless her next video is good WHICH IT WON'T BE I am denouncing myself as a Britney fan and will shit on her grandmother's head if ever I get the opportunity". The thing is, though, the I Wanna Go video made its online debut yesterday and it is really rather good. Would you like me to talk you through it? OF COURSE YOU FUCKING WOULD.
So evidently the whole thing kicks off in a press conference. BRITNEY IS GOING TO SEND UP THE FACT SHE IS HOUNDED BY THE MEDIA. WHAT A FRESH IDEA. We've never seen this in her Hold It Against Me, If U Seek Amy, Piece Of Me, Everytime, Overprotected and Lucky videos, have we?
It turns out this is a much more humorous attempt than all those other times though, with the journalists asking "is it true you've banned junk food, smiles, candy, sunshine and laughter from your Femme Fatale" tour and her responding "yes, yes it is" totally deadpan. Frankly it's the best acting she's ever done. She's also wearing a t-shirt showing a skull with Mickey Mouse ears, which is truly an Illuminati conspiracist's wet dream. Eventually she gets annoyed by the random questions, says "fuck you" to the journalists and storms out.
And storm out she does! Look at her go! Let's be honest, it's the best she's looked probably since Womanizer but she's looking a bit Avril Lavigne-esque with the spikey boots and the pink highlights. Avril Lavigne herself is too old to pull that shit off, so for the rest of the video you have to forget the fact that Britney turns 30 years old later this year. Presumably that's what she wants us to do, so on we go...
A fan asks her to sign his copy of Britney's album AND SHE SQUEEZES HIS ARSE. Have you ever squeezed someone's arse before in total seriousness? I have, once. This lad was bent over in Powerhouse and I was mortal so I squeezed his arse. I didn't even fancy him, to be honest. He didn't look impressed. Who the fuck can blame him really? I REGRET NOTHING.
I suspect this young man is homosexual. Sorry Britney.
She's over it already, though, and has now moved on to flashing her tits on the street like a true Geordie lass. Next time Britney's up North I swear I'm taking her to Mushroom for some Jägerbombs, and if I end up getting off with her in Magic Flame later in the night then so be it.
After flashing her tits to the world, Britney has deemed it inappropriate that someone might want to photograph her so she pure flings his camera to the ground. Almost as amazing as Björk beating up the paparazzi, but not quite.
At this point Britney gets on top of a taxi. I'm not sure why, but this is the point in the video when, watching it for the first time, I thought "wow this is a good video, the girl did good this time". Look at what the cinema is showing, for heaven's sake, now that is attention to detail.
Due to the microphone in her hand being, seemingly, endless, she is able to knock the paparazzi from the tops of the surrounding cars with it. HOORAY!
Unfortunately for Britney it turns out the paparazzi are all cyborgs and can't be destroyed by hitting them just once. Perhaps she needs to hit them, baby, one more time (HAHAHAHAHAHA etc.)
Meanwhile, in another shot, Britney pulls some brilliant facial expressions. Evidently all the time she's been spending with Nicki Minaj has paid off.
LOOK AT DEM TITTIES. At this point, Britney is wondering what her next move is. She is surrounded by cyborg photographers. "What shall I do?" she thinks to herself...
..."I KNOW I'LL TAKE MY TOP OFF". Thankfully Guillermo from Weeds has arrived to rescue Britney and they run off together in his car (weirdly in this clip he is also named Guillermo. Is it the same character? Is Britney a Weeds fan? Or is it just a nice bit of casual racism with the presupposition that all Hispanic Americans are called Guillermo?)
Now I'm not being funny but I knew a woman once who tried to escape photographers in a car. Her name was Lady Diana. And if her death taught us one thing it's the importance of wearing a seat-belt when you're running away from photographers. Clearly this image does not faze Britney, who couldn't give a shit about seat-belts, or cardigans. SHE'LL CATCH HER DEATH IN THAT (more proof Britney is, at heart, a Geordie lass. Imagine her in Greggs...)
"We've all been there", Britney thinks to herself.
(It's milk, in case you were wondering. At this point it turns from an Avril Lavigne video into a Ke$ha video but we're nearly at the end now so it's alright)
OH BLOODY HELL IT WAS ALL A DREAM. Disappointing stuff.
EXCEPT IT'S ALRIGHT COS GUILLERMO IS HERE! But it's not, really, cos it turns out he's a cyborg too. This all seems a bit Adnan-esque, doesn't it? Britney befriends paparazzi who isn't all he seems...? I wonder if that was intentional. Who knows? Britney probably doesn't even know. Because she, herself, is the true cyborg in all of this, which was probably the underlying message in all of this.
Oh! If you actually want to watch the video yourself, here it is:
In conclusion, Britney Spears has done a good thing and is therefore back in my good books. She will, of course, bollocks it up again like she always does. Or maybe she won't. Who the fuck knows...it's Britney Spears we're talking about.
SIDENOTE: If hearing me being catty about celebrities is something you enjoy then don't forget for the next three weeks I'm presenting a show on Pride Radio, every weekday from 12pm-2pm on 87.9FM if you're in the North East or online HERE if you're anywhere else in the world. Tune in for everything you'd expect (GaGa, RiRi, Nicki, Britney and bitching.) It's a reet laugh.