Monday, 30 May 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

I bet yous are all gutted that I haven't done a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup in so long. I appreciate many of you won't have gone outdoors, preferring to sit at home pressing the F5 button until my blog refreshed with a brand new post slagging the biggest news stories of the moment off. Well you're in luck, folks, cos here I am. By the way, while I have your attention, don't forget to listen to Pride Radio online every Sunday 2pm-4pm where I am every bit as bitchy but also play some "decent" songs as well.

I have an exam on Local Government tomorrow which I haven't started revising for yet. So anyway...

1. Poor old Justin Bieber :(


The Billboard Awards took place this week, and it sounds like it wasn't just Britney Spears who made a tit of themselves in front of reigning princess of pop, Rihanna as reportedly Justin Bieber was snubbed by the singer backstage at the awards ceremony.

While at previous events Bieber and Rihanna have seemingly got on like a house on fire, posing for several unique photo opportunities, it seems that he may have been getting on her nerves a bit backstage at the Billboards. Apparently at five different occasions Bieber struck up a conversation with Rihanna before eventually being told to "leave it" by her security staff, who blocked him from talking to her.

Meanwhile, Bieber's girlfriend Selena Gomez, who regularly receives Twitter death threats from deranged fans of Justin, was apparently raging at his persistence in talking to Rihanna, knowing full well that he fancies her.

How embarrassing for all concerned. Especially Britney, who was probably wandering around the place like Ophelia muttering poetry under her breath while all this was going on, before unknowingly being led onto the stage.

2. They tried to make her go to... etc.


In a really sad bit of news, or maybe it's happy depending on how you look at it, the most destructive lady in music Amy Winehouse has checked herself into The Priory hospital in London.

Not to be disrespectful but...is it 2007 again? I swear I'm getting déjà vu, how many times is this woman going to check herself into The Priory? She must have her own suite there by now. Apparently ahead of a busy summer of touring (in true 2007 style she will no doubt be performing songs from her latest album Back To Black), she's decided to give herself some time in The Priory to stop her drinking becoming a problem while on the road.

Footage of the singer caught on CCTV shortly before she made her trip to the rehabilitation centre saw her swigging vodka in a nearby off-license. GET WELL SOON, BABESSSSSSS.

3. I can't deal with YET ANOTHER speculative story about the US X Factor, and yet here we are.


I can't deal with this anymore. For MONTHS, everyone and their granny was linked to the US X Factor. It was, as I'm sure you remember, getting ridiculous. Consequently, when the line-up for the show was finally confirmed and Cheryl Cole was revealed as one of the judges, the world breathed a sigh of relief. The speculation was over. It was confirmed. And we could move on and enjoy whatever madness Simon Cowell had prepared for us.

Unfortunately, this was not the case as it seems our beloved Geordie princess has been axed from the panel after just two weeks as a judge on US X Factor. Days after the news broke, there has still been no official confirmation from any of the affected parties, so here are a list of of some of the various speculated reasons for Cheryl's axe from the show:

Likelihood of being true: Basically, Paula Abdul is as mad as a box of frogs she's not one to really have disagreements with anyone. Moreover, there's been rumours of rifts between Dannii Minogue and Cheryl Cole since Cheryl first joined the show, and neither of them have ever been sacked for it, before. Finally, a bit of inter-judge conflict would surely be an incentive to keep Cheryl on the show? I'd say this is quite unlikely, especially as Paula has been singing Cheryl's praises in interviews recently.

2. Cheryl wore minging clothes.
Likelihood of being true: Cheryl is something of a style icon here in the UK, although admittedly her choice of outfits on the most recent series of X Factor have been a little hit-and-miss. Considering that X Factor is aiming for a younger and trendier audience than its predecessor American Idol, it's understandable they'd want someone fashionable on the panel. Especially given that Cheryl reportedly turned down the offer of a stylist upon her arrival in the UK, I'd say this could actually be a contributing factor, although sacking someone purely because of the way they dress is surely a bit severe, eh?

3. Cheryl sat at home and ate biscuits instead of going to the Grammys.
Likelihood of being true: OK, admittedly this does sound a bit ridiculous, but I genuinely think this is one of the most plausible rumours. The story goes that when Cheryl arrived in LA, Fox were determined to get her face seen at big events so that America weren't greeted with a complete stranger when X Factor aired in the Autumn. However, when it was arranged for Cheryl to attend the Grammys she reportedly snubbed the event so she could stay in and eat Digestive biscuits. I love digestive biscuits, especially with peanut butter on. Sounds rank but honestly, it's lush. Cheryl would love it if she tried it, I'm sure (luckily for her she now has a lot of time on her hands to sit in and butter up her digestive biscuits).

BEWARE!!!

4. American audiences couldn't understand Cheryl's Geordie accent.
Likelihood of being true: A source from Fox has allegedly said that as well as turning down a stylist upon her arrival in the States, Cheryl also refused elocution lessons which were offered to her to make herself more understandable to American audiences. While I applaud Cheryl's balls and trueness to herself, a cynic would probably argue that if Simon Cowell offers you something the best thing to do would be play along, because pissing off the wrong people when you're in such a lucky position is probably a bad idea. Reports have claimed that Cheryl's accent did make her difficult to understand, but surely sacking someone just because of their accent isn't right? Someone on Twitter said that if she had a strong Indian accent there would be no problem, and I echo this argument. GEORDIE PRIDE.

Likelihood of being true: Very likely, it's not exactly out of character for Simon Cowell to randomly introduce judges to his reality shows only to immediately drop them days in (just ask Kelly Brook and Brian Friedman), and it seems like Cheryl could have just been a pawn for Simon Cowell all along. It's a bit convenient that Nicole Scherzinger just "happened" to be there waiting in the wings, isn't it? It's embarrassing for poor Cheryl to be replaced by Nicole, though, who stood in for her on the UK series when she was at death's door from malaria, as there were rumours even then that Simon preferred her to Cheryl. Needless to say, Cheryl is reportedly severing all ties with Simon, which would seem to suggest this is the truth, or at the very least the closest to the truth as we're ever likely to get.

Whatever the story, Cheryl is believed not to have stopped crying since the news broke, although no official statement has been released either from Fox or from Cheryl herself, while judge Paula Abdul claimed to know nothing of Cheryl's removal from the show. For the first time in a very long time, the future of Cheryl Cole is uncertain...

Just what Newcastle needs- another unemployed divorcee...

That's it!
Laters!

Monday, 23 May 2011

Ain't talking poultry when I say this chicken's friiiiiied...



Britney Spears is an embarrassment. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but I have been questioning my own status as a Britney fan ever since the Femme Fatale era began and here we are.

Last night the Billboard awards took place. Never in my life have I ever heard anyone get excited about these awards before, but last night was a special event as it was rumoured that Britney Spears would be performing with both Nicki Minaj and Rihanna (two of the three most exciting ladies in the music industry today, one might say). It turned out these rumours were very much true, with Britney joining RiRi for a chorus of S&M before concluding Nicki's performance of her single Super Bass with their collaborative effort Till The World Ends. The whole thing was truly a disaster.

For one thing, both Rihanna and Nicki Minaj were performing live while- as usual- Britney relied entirely on pre-recorded vocals. Back in the day it was easy for us Britney fans to defend our idol's decision to lip-sync; she was completely out of practise, her routines were entertaining enough to make up for the lack of live singing while also being exhausting enough that it was impractical for the vocals to be live. All of that was fine as long as Britney was putting on a show. But as time has gone on, Britney's dancing has shown no improvement.

During the Circus era her dancing was "good, considering", but if Britney's team are so determined to convince us that our girl is over all that then she's going to have to start delivering the goods, and right now she quite simply isn't. The woman is 30 years old in December, I genuinely think it is time to stop making excuses for her and accept that performances such as that of last night are simply not good enough. Her dancing itself was barely even average, she even ballsed it up at one point going like this...


...when she should have been going like this...


...and her work on the pole was just nothing. It was nothing. More importantly, S&M really isn't that difficult a song to sing, especially given how basic her dance routine was, and there was really no reason she was not capable of performing it live.

I really don't want to sound like a "hater", I've been a Britney fan for a very long time. Truthfully there's nothing I'd have liked more than for her to have gone out last night and proved the "haters" wrong and shone like the star that she can be. Unfortunately, all she did was prove that she simply can not cut it alongside the new girls on the scene like Rihanna and Nicki Minaj. More importantly, how embarrassing for them to have to have someone lip-syncing during their performances when they're giving it their all and doing their vocals live.

Most importantly, though, Britney simply looks like her heart is not in it anymore. When she does her routines it's plainly written on her face that she would rather be anywhere else in the world. As the performance ended, she stood next to Rihanna for about four seconds before turning to walk away not realising the cameras were still on...


It's like she's completely disinterested by the whole thing, which is my main criticism of her most recent output Femme Fatale which is her first album for which she hasn't co-written a song since her debut. During her MTV special earlier this year I Am The Femme Fatale, she said was filmed on her way to the studio to hear her collaboration with will.i.am for the first time. Could you imagine Lady GaGa or Nicki Minaj strutting into a studio to hear their song for the first time? No, they'd already be there making sure they weren't putting their name onto anything they weren't comfortable with.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU ARE BRITNEY SPEARS RIGHT NOW...

1. Get some shoes you can actually dance in.
In the same documentary I was just talking about, Britney was filming her Till The World Ends video and for any shots that weren't full body she wore her Uggs. Back in the day Britney was a brilliant dancer because she was wearing Skechers. She was wearing comfortable shoes. Britney can barely walk in the shoes she wears onstage these days, let alone do full-blown routines and I genuinely think this is half the problem.

2. Get some costumes you can actually move around in.
Similar to my previous point, Britney used to be famous for her belly-tops. More than just showing off her teenage midriff, they were practical given the routines she was doing. There is a bit in the Hold It Against Me video where Britney goes to swish her hair but her dress is so tight that she can not get down all the way. You never see Madonna doing routines in impractical outfits, and whenever GaGa has a routine on tour she's usually wearing next to nothing. Of course, let's get real, it gets attention when you're showing flesh off but it also makes it much easier to dance in.

3. Get some singing lessons.
I was talking to Laura on Twitter last night and she made the point that if Britney did not lip-sync then her voice would be terrible, and that her terrible singing would be much worse than her miming. This is true, but if Britney's voice is not good enough to sing live when her routine involves next-to-nothing then it is time to get some singing lessons.

Yes, this is perhaps a bit of a step back for someone who has been in the industry for 10 years, but at the end of the day Britney Spears is a singer. It is her job to sing. If a mechanic showed up to fix your car and instead only pretended to do it you would not go "hmm you had a rough time a few years ago, I'll let you off" you would go "OH! YOUR JOB IS TO FIX CARS SO YOU HAVE TO FIX MY CAR".

4. Get some decent craic.
Have you heard Britney Spears in an interview recently? My goodness, the woman can barely string a sentence together. I'm not suggesting she take the Lady GaGa approach and raid the thesaurus for ways to dumbfound the next person who dares interview her with her seemingly limitless vocabulary, but when Ryan Seacrest asks what your album's like and you reply "it's good" you know it's time to at least learn a couple of knock-knock jokes to keep your audience entertained. Although perhaps...

"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"It's social services, Ms. Spears, we're here for your children"

...won't quite hit the spot.

Seriously, though, folks. I don't want to hate on Britney. She has so much potential, and in her time she was the brightest star going. Unfortunately, it's not her time anymore and if she wants a future in this business she's going to have to work a bit harder. When you're capable of this...



...and this...



...it's not quite good enough to deliver this...



...is it?

To sum up. I saw the Circus tour and I got so excited, because I knew that she was a starting point for her to keep improving. And she has not. And, as a Britney fan, it makes me sad. If her heart's not in it anymore- which I strongly suspect is the case- then she should retire. If that's what would really make her happy, then her fans should get over it and want that for her. If she genuinely still wants to be Britney Spears the popstar rather than Britney Jean the wife and mother then she is going to have to step up to the mark.

The I Wanna Go video is coming soon. Watch this space.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Haiku This Way.

So it's just under a week until Lady GaGa's new album Born This Way goes on sale, but the whole thing is streaming live RIGHT HERE ahead of the release provided that you live in the United Kingdom. Inspired by the fact that I have not posted a blog in about a hundred years, I am going to give you a track-by-track run through of each song but to liven things up a bit I'm going to do it in the form of 14 haikus. One for each track. If you're a fan of haikus you should follow Abi on Twitter, we're always tweeting haikus at each other. WE'RE FUCKING BONKERS ON TWITTER, SO WE ARE.


What a fucking awful album cover.

Marry The Night
All the way through it
She says "I'll marry the night"
Bit repetitive

Born This Way
You already know
I'll review it anyway
I really like it

Government Hooker
It's very noisy
And sounds like cat-walk music
Quite good I suppose

Judas
Judas Juda-as
I properly love this song
It has not sold well

Americano
Sounds a bit like this
It's not a criticism
Because I enjoy it

Hair
Nought to do with Veet
It's not my favourite song
But it's not awful

These haikus were meant to be funny and so far none of them have been. Shall I even bother doing anymore? I've started now I might as well finish, eh?

Sheiße
She's speaking German
Hope she's not taking the piss
Without me knowing :(

Half-way through a blog I thought would be quite funny but it isn't. To lighten the mood, here is a picture of Ellie Goulding's scary Madonna arms:


Bloody Mary
Think this is my fave
It's a little bit creepy
And dead Catholic

Bad Kids
Trying a bit hard
But still has a nice message
Fly your freak flag high

Highway Unicorn
I was bored by now
So I'd stopped listening
Might be good...might not.

Heavy Metal Lover
The same as before
I was not listening
Make up your own mind

Electric Chapel
Listened to this one
A catchy little number
But wait till you hear...

Yoü and I
Very 70s
But also very modern
PROPER LOVE THIS SONG.

The Edge of Glory
It's properly sad
But also really happy
Kerry Katona

And so...?

Overall
It seems that we've come
A long way from Boys Boys Boys
It's six out of ten

Overall, Born This Way is everything I thought it would be. It did not live up to the hype, but that is only because it simply could not. If an album actually lived up to the hype that surrounded Born This Way then it would be an album so good that the entire world would collapse in on itself. Most of it is worth listening to, particularly her more personal songs like Yoü and I and current single The Edge of Glory.

I must admit, though, I am largely disappointed that the one thing that seems to be missing from Born This Way is what Mary Poppins describes as "an element of fun". I know GaGa is trying to use her power for good in the world, which of course can not go unpraised because songs like Born This Way will make a lot of teenagers feel good about themselves, no matter how cynically you look at it. But there's nothing wrong with a few songs about enjoying yourself, while you're at it. The sad thing is, we know how hard Lady GaGa worked on this album, and there is nothing about the content to suggest that she's enjoyed any of it.

Friday, 6 May 2011

The Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.

Sorry about not posting in ages, I would love to blame it on my hectic schedule but truly I've just been sat on my arse doing nothing for the past week. Notably absent from this blog was coverage of the Royal Wedding, so if you still haven't read it I wrote a little piece on it for what is probably my favourite blog in the world Oh Yeah Me Too, which I recommend you start following because it is fantastic. Meanwhile, I'm still doing the Pride Radio show every Sunday from 2pm-4pm, and it is literally just an audio version of this blog so if you like hearing me blabbing on about celebrity gossip and playing all the music you'd expect (Nicki, RiRi, Britney etc. etc.) then tune in this Sunday, where I'll be presenting from 1pm for one week only.

ANYWAY, right. You're not here for that. You're here to read what celebrities have been doing with themselves since last I updated. Get your seatbelts on, it's time for a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup...

1. Some dickhead throws eggs at Justin Bieber.


Right I completely understand that Justin Bieber is not to everyone's taste. His music can be grating and repetitive, and his fans are absolute idiots. However, I think the mass hatred that seems to be perpetually directed towards Justin Bieber is unnecessary. When it comes down to it, he is a 17-year old lad, he's doing what he loves and he's making millions of people happy. He simply doesn't deserve to be ridiculed the way that he is.

Having said that, unfortunately not everyone would agree with my views on Justin Bieber, including some dickhead who decided to pelt him with eggs during a concert he was performing at in Australia this week. That's right, somebody paid money to go and see him in concert (tickets which, I might add, don't come cheap) simply so though could throw food at him.

Someone managed to catch it on camera, and naturally because it's "cool" to hate on Justin Bieber, it's been splashed all over the Internet like nobody's business, and here it is for your viewing pleasure:



The phantom egg-thrower has since been charged, and is believed to be a jealous 17-year old who was found out by the police after posting on their Facebook account that they were responsible for bombarding the teenage singer with eggs. What a fucking idiot.

Bloody good job it's not Lady GaGa they chucked eggs at, she'd be trying to squish herself inside and go home in one.

2. Cheryl Cole is literally 100% yes yes yes this is it I promise you for definite absolutely certainly on The X Factor panel.


Right well let's be honest. I'm fucking sick to death of hearing about the US X Factor. I'm sick of speculation, I'm sick that you can pull a rumour out of your arse-hole about who is on the judging panel and call it a news story. I'm sick of hearing a random conveyor belt of names attached to the series. I'm sick of the whole fucking thing. I feel like X Factor in America is going to have to be pretty fucking spectacular to live up to the hype surrounding it.

Thankfully, for the first time in a frightening amount of time an actual FACT about the show has been brought to light and it's a good one- Cheryl Cole will be joining Simon Cowell and record producer L.A. Reid to bring some Geordie charm to the American judging panel.

Toto, I don't think we're in Walker anymore...

It's unknown whether Cheryl, Simon and L.A. (who's name is L.A. for fuck's sake, surely that's like being called Hawaii or something ridiculous like that??) will complete the panel, but it's rumoured that Paula Abdul will be the fourth and final judge to be revealed as part of the series, while singers Enrique Iglesias and Nicole Scherzinger are thought to be sharing the presenting duties. If true, it won't be the first time Enrique and Nicole have collaborated on a project, as their duet Heartbeat was released last year:



My mam is a big fan of that song, declaring "phwooar look at them sexies" the first time she saw the video on the telly. The thought of them presenting X Factor together WITH GEORDIE LASS CHERYL COLE AS A CONFIRMED JUDGE may be too much for the poor woman to take.

3. Good news, everyone, Lady GaGa's new video is absolutely brilliant.


I haven't exactly been kind to Lady GaGa on this blog recently, and that's because every time she opens her mouth I find myself cringing at the self-indulgent bullshit she spouts, which her fans blindly eat up as though it were a speech written by the love-child of Martin Luther King and Jesus himself.

Recently, however, I found that I was beginning to warm to her once account on account of her latest single, Judas. A song with so many confused Bible references it could only have been written by a lapsed Catholic, and with a chorus that didn't so much provoke you to put your arms in the air as much as demand it at gunpoint, it was right up my street. Unfortunately, I later discovered that GaGa would be directing the video for the clip herself, which made my heart sink. Suddenly I anticipated a dreary, humourless, ten-minute music video with no colour and nothing to do with the content of the song, which GaGa would claim had appeared to her in a dream to save us all from our lives and become LITTLE MONSTERZZZZZ.

I must admit, I am now eating my words. The Judas video leaked online and it is magnificent. Colourful, relevant to the song, energetic and- best of all- not appearing to take itself too seriously, it's the best thing GaGa could have put out after that hideous state of affairs that was the Born This Way music video and recently her sickening album cover. If you haven't seen the video yourself yet this is what you can expect:

SMILING!

HIYA MY NAME IS LADY GAGA. When I'm not pouting or talking very seriously about my very important music, I smile. This is what I look like when I smile. Get used to it, you probably won't see it again for quite a while.

DANCING!

The Bad Romance dance routine is brilliant because it brings people together. Just the other day I was out with Becca and I danced the Bad Romance routine with an utter stranger in Sunderland, simply because we both knew it. It's extraordinary. And why is that? Because it's easy. Have you tried to copy the dance routing from the Born This Way video? I'd need my asthma inhaler and I'm not even asthmatic. This is a good return to form in terms of "quite easy dance routines" for Lady GaGa, and she even makes a cute little heart with her hands when she says that she "continues to be enamoured by Judas" or however the song goes.

MOTORBIKES!

This video sees GaGa re-telling the best-selling book "The Bible" but in this version Jesus is actually the leader of a motorbike gang. Brilliant. My very first boyfriend drove a moped, but unfortunately he never took me out on it. Now he has sex with women.

CATHOLIC SHIT!

FUCKING HELL if there is one thing I want to say it is Catholic imagery. Look! She's leaning on Peter WHO WAS ONLY JESUS'S BLOODY ROCK WASN'T HE?? Yes he was. Also look at GaGa's heart, it's the bloody sacred heart. Not sure what that's meant to represent, but it reminds me of my old Granda who used to have this fucking scary picture of Jesus with the sacred heart next to his sitting room door, and I used to get petrified when he'd leave me alone in the room with it. To this day I don't think I could sit on my own in a room with that picture. Gives me shivers. I like this, though. This gives me the good shivers. Not the "fucking hell when is he coming back with my cup of tea this picture is fucking scary" shivers.

JESUS!

Look there he is, wearing a crown of thorns. This is the second best crown of thorns in pop culture history, but I'm afraid the title of "best crown of thorns" still goes to Madonna:


NOTE: This was not a "LOOK AT LADY GAGA COPYING MADONNA" dig, as it would seem that "comparing Lady GaGa to Madonna" is the new "comparing everyone in the fucking world ever to Lady GaGa".

HYGIENE!

Having said that, I'm not sure how hygienic it is to have three people in the bath at once, especially when two of them are wearing leather jackets they've been riding all round town in. I bet they're fucking minging. It doesn't seem to bother GaGa, though, who then goes on to wash Jesus's feet much like that person did in the Bible shortly before Jesus was crucified. Thankfully there is no graphic crucifixion in the video, but having said that Jesus isn't the main character here JUDAS IS. It's a bit like Wicked really, except there really is no excuse for handing your mate over to the authorities for thirty pieces of silver, is there? NO THERE IS NOT.

BETRAYAL!

PHWOOOAR, RIGHT? You can always rely on GaGa for a bit of man-on-man in her videos and this time it's relevant, cos Judas gave Jesus a proper smacker right before he was carted off and crucified. Shame.

DEATH!

Aye not to spoil the end for you, but she gets stoned to death. Pretty grim way to go, I'm sure you agree. If you remember in the Bible poor old Mary Magdalene nearly got stoned to death, didn't she? But then Jesus came in and went "let he among us without sin be the first to cast their stone" or something along them lines, and they realised they were all terrible people. In this version, though, she's ended up with that useless lout Judas, and he's not going to rescue her, is he? He's too busy spending his thirty pieces of silver on shit off of eBay.

So, to me at least, the moral of the story is that while the bad boys might seem like the most "exciting" choice, they're hardly worth being stoned to death when you could have had someone who would rush and save you. KEEP THAT IN MIND, FOLKS.

GaGa's best video to date, I reckon. OH I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO SEE IT DO YOU? Go on then:



That's your lot for today!
And to those of you questioning my Granda's scary Jesus picture, imagine being on your own with this when you're only 6 years old:


Intense. I'm telling you.
Laters!
x