Hello everyone. I do hope you're all well and had a lovely Easter. I went to church!! I was pleasantly surprised when my skin didn't start to burn and I didn't burst into flames when I touched the holy water, so all-in-all it was a success. I'm putting off writing an essay so I might as well get on with a Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup since I'm sure you've all missed me...
1. Girls Aloud are getting back together in 2012.
Once upon a time there lived three beautiful princesses, one plain princess and one minger. Everyone in the kingdom picked up their phones and voted for them to be a girl-band. They were called Girls Aloud. Unfortunately an ancient spell meant that an evil queen (Louis Walsh) had to be their manager, and he made terrible decisions. He put a spell on the minger (Nicola Roberts) to ensure that she was always covered in fake tan and had to dye her hair to try and make people forget that she was a ginger. One day she kissed a frog and the spell was broken, and suddenly she turned into a beautiful princess.
The girls had an unbreakable bond, and soon enough everyone in the kingdom thought they were the most beautiful princesses in the land. Even the completely uninteresting Kimberley Walsh became something of a household name. But it wasn't to last. A handsome prince named Simon Cowell fell out with an ogre named Sharon Osbourne, so he hypnotised
Princess Cheryl Cole with his dazzling teeth and soon enough she was a judge on The X Factor and the most famous woman in Britain. Everybody loved her, even though she once punched a witch in the face for not letting her have an enchanted lollipop. Suddenly Princess Cheryl realised she didn't need the other four to be successful, so the group decided to take a year off.
What the girls didn't realise was that this "year off" would last a hundred years, and in their time away from each other Nadine Coyle would be cursed by a gypsy and given a hundred years of bad luck. Meanwhile Cheryl would spend all her time with a mystical fairy called Derek Hough. Sarah Harding, meanwhile, found a mystical potion in the forest and spent most of her time off drinking that:
"Would the girls ever get back together?" asked pop-hungry homosexuals all over the kingdom who simply weren't satisfied with The Saturdays.
Well the good news is, folks, that Girls Aloud's manager has confirmed that they will be re-uniting in 2012 for their 10-year anniversary. However, apparently there won't be any new material, and it may just be for a few select gigs. "A few select gigs" does not exactly sound like a tour, does it?
Just in case you're suffering from amnesia and have forgotten how brilliant Girls Aloud are, here is The Loving Kind:
No disrespect but if you don't like that song then fuck off, will you?
2. Brace yourselves, Kerry Katona is gonna do a song for us.
You've seen her slurring on This Morning, you've seen her stumbling around on Dancing On Ice and you've seen her pissing in a mug and going "NO DRUGS FOR ME THANKS" on The Next Chapter- the question is; why the fuck is Kerry Katona even famous in the first place?
Well before she became the most hated woman in Britain (and then someone everyone in Britain was completely indifferent towards as I am now), Kerry actually won a reality TV show when she appeared on I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. That series had a lot to answer for as it also launched the relationship of Katie Price and Peter Andre, and then the media career of Kerry Kabloodytona.
Before that, though, she was a singer in Atomic Kitten. Remember? She did the spoken bit in Whole Again before she got pregnant with Brian McFadden. I wonder if she inspired that song he wrote about date raping someone...?:
Well in a shock twist, Kerry has decided that now her career is back on track it's time to take another stab at her music career and has teamed up with dance producer Basshunter for You're Not Alone, a song intended to be 2011's "summer jam" in the vain of David Guetta's When Love Takes Over and Sexy Bitch.
If you're not familiar with the works of Basshunter, he recorded a few songs which were alright, appeared on Celebrity Big Brother and made friends with Alex Reid and upset that lass who used to be shagging Ronnie Wood by not falling instantly in love with her, then was arrested on charges of sexual assault or something like that. Before all that, though, he had an orgy at his parents' house (link NSFW OBVIOUSLY) and took loads of pictures of it. Here's one that, this being a family blog, I have had to sensitively censor:
Kerry Katona and Basshunter. Isn't it brilliant when two wholesome stars get together? They're like Same Difference 2.0.
3. Britney Spears has a new celebrity friend.
After announcing they were hitting the road on the Femme Fatale tour, Britney Spears and Nicki Minaj have collaborated on a remix of Britney's latest single Till The World Ends which also features a guest performance from Ke$ha, who co-wrote the track. You can listen to it here:
I'M NICKI MINAJ AND THAT'S KE$HA
Nicki's part is predictably mad-as-a-box-of-frogs (what's not to love about a rap song which mentions the word "poultry"), and I think Ke$ha sounds brilliant on the track as well; but surely I can't be the only one who thinks Britney sounds like she's in the way on her own track here? You know I love Britney but I really just don't think she's cutting it.
Anyway, on the night the track leaked, Britney tweeted that she was hanging backstage with Nicki Minaj at one of her club gigs, and before you knew it photos like this were cropping up online:
Well let's be honest, Britney looks absolutely pissed in this picture. And why shouldn't she- she is nightclubbing? The thing with Britney is, we know she isn't perfect now we've seen her at her absolute worst so I feel quite patronised when I see photos where she's airbrushed and backlit within an inch of her life to make her look like she is perfect. Pictures like this where she looks like a person on a night out are what I wanna see. Unfortunately THIS is what Britney tweeted...
...which is basically so airbrushed she might as well have just posted this...
That's it. Hope you enjoyed that.