While your miserable, dreary little excuse for life goes plodding along into the grey storm clouds of the great British summertime, celebrities all over the world have been doing all kinds of mildly interesting shite. Would you like to read about some of it? If you wouldn't, let me point you in the direction of Google; a popular search engine Internet users find handy for getting all kinds of information on things that are of interest to them. However, if the past seven days of celebrity gossip with a satirical twist from the biggest bitch in all the North East sound like something that would interest you, then sit back and get ready for the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
1. McFly are selling records the Katy Perry way. (Teen Today)
McFly in clothes for a change (get 'em off!)
You might think that McFly are nothing but a bunch of bell ends, but regardless of that 2010 is the year of their comeback (we'll see, though). Unfortunately for them, in their absence the world has quite rightly continued to rotate, people's lives have continued and disaster has been averted. So when a comeback hasn't really been long awaited, there's only one thing to do and that's get your kit off.
The boys all posed nude for this month's Attitude magazine (which you can go and ogle yourself in non-bigoted newsagents all over this fair nation) which has caused quite the stir across the gay male/straight female population, so it has. Shall we have a look at some of the tweets about it? Shall we?:
My favourite is the one that mentioned jizz. Obviously a girl after my own heart. Shall we have a look at one of the photos (if you regularly read my blog you'll already have seen it, mind you, but it's a good photo so let's not be too bothered about that):
Phwoar, right, girls? My goodness! Look at those bods! I have a bit of an issue, though. McFly have shamelessly taken all their clothes off in an attempt to:
1. Sell some records.
2. Get attention.
This is the exact same thing Katy Perry has done by posing naked on a cloud of candyfloss in the video for California Gurls and I'm sure you remember I did a whole thing where I got on my high horse about it. I realised when ogling McFly in all of their fine, naked, toned, tanned glory...erm...what was I talking about again? Oh, yes. Why do we still live in a world where it's OK for men to be overtly sexual in order to get ahead but not for women? So let's all give Katy Perry a break if we're willing to gawk at McFly with all their flesh on show in Attitude. I'll tell you something, though, folks. Go and buy that magazine. You will not be disappointed.
2. Jedward will do bloody well anything to get on the telly. (What's On TV)
What loveable bellends.
I've been quite quiet about this series of Big Brother but if you aren't watching then I really do urge you to, because it is hilarious. Also, if you catch tonight's eviction night special you can catch *sigh* a live performance from Jedward of their single All The Small Things live from inside the house.
That's right, as if the Jedward boys haven't caused enough damage to our ears
but unfortunately no damage to our rectums they have agreed to do a live performance from the house as part of this week's "Ignore The Obvious" task. Of course, the poor lads won't know what's hit them when Mario starts following them around the garden offering to give them massages and asking what kind of girls they want to have sex sex sex with.
Seriously, though, readers. Is there anything the Jedward lads won't do for five minutes on the telly? Hopefully, though, this album will be a massive flop and they'll have to promote themselves the McFly way just to stay relevant...
3. Ashley brings flowers, Cheryl tells him where to put them. (Digital Spy)
Someone down at Chelsea obviously can not spell A-Hole...
You'd be forgiven for thinking he was nothing but a heartless twat, but reports claim that this week Ashley Cole took time out from his busy schedule of taking photos of his genitals to send to unsuspecting recipients to give his soon to be ex-wife Cheryl Cole a visit. She's recovering from malaria, you see (still... *grumbles about it surely being time for some celebrity news that doesn't involve malaria*).
Thing is, though, when he got there to wish her well and maybe awkwardly give her some grapes, as you often do with people who are ill for reasons I don't quite understand, he was turned away. Apparently seeing Ashley would be a "traumatic experience" for Cheryl who seems to be spending all her time with her new gay best friend Derek Hough who the papers are desperate to get Cheryl together with despite Derek Hough being as gay as a randomly selected member of a Barbara Streisand concert.
Cheryl doesn't need that bastard, though, she's out of bed and back into the real world again. Get a look at her, man:
Since catching the potentially fatal disease Cheryl has drastically changed her diet and managed to put on a stone (bringing her total weight back up to a healthy 2 stone!) In other news, let's just get a look at this tasteful tweet from Metro News about Cheryl's return to the public eye (Christ she was only going to fucking Starbucks):
"Post-malaria look"???? Jesus, the woman was hours from death, she hasn't been to the bloody spa, you know? My lord.
And if you still haven't had enough Cheryl Cole-related gossip...
4. What the fuck's going on with Girls Aloud? (Holy Moly)
I'd say the main problem with these lot is that they're all so unattractive...
The Girls Aloud comeback has been up in the air for some time now, but it seems things have taken a turn for the worst. Nadine Coyle's probably unlistenable comeback is taking decades to complete (to put things into perspective in the time it's taken Nadine to record what will no doubt be a heap of shite, Cheryl Cole has recorded an album, released three singles, mentored a winning X Factor contestant, been on tour with Black Eyed bloody Peas and recovered from a potentially fatal disease) and Girls Aloud are seemingly itching to get back into the studio-- with or without Nadine.
That's right, because Nadine's solo album is taking a lot longer than originally anticipated, the other four girls are reportedly going to start their next album whether Nadine is involved or not. Let's hope they can keep things going slightly longer than Spice Girls did after Geri Haliwell skeedaddled (although Holler is surprisingly listenable years later).
It's no surprise the other four are getting impatient. After all, Sarah Harding was only ever really good for making headlines after getting pissed and she can't even do that anymore; Kimberley Walsh seems to think that because she's not a stick insect she is therefore a "curvy" woman and that being a "curvy" woman makes you enough of a character to warrant being described as "bubbly" when she is actually as dull as dishwater (for further reading on this type of women also see Jodie Prenger and Josie from this year's Big Brother); Nicola Roberts hasn't done a damn thing ever since she started that tirade against sun-beds (the tanning industry is now being singlehandedly kept afloat by Corin from Big Brother) and Cheryl Cole is probably just happy to record anything that isn't "featuring will.i.am".
On a serious note, I bloody love love love Girls Aloud. They are incredible. And the thought that they may never do another album is a bit depressing to be honest. The question is, could they survive without Nadine? My honest answer is yes they probably could, in the same way they could probably survive without Sarah. Of course, without Nadine the group's talent will plummet by about 150% and their comeback single will be so AutoTuned it will make Sexy! No No No... sound like an Eva Cassidy number, but at the end of the day would that really be so bad?
I know what you're thinking, "oh they don't write their own songs", "oh they don't play their own instruments", "oh that ginger one looks like she's lost a fiver and found a penny" but forget your tirade against manufactured pop, forget your hatred of all things electronic within popular music and just listen to this and honestly say it is not a total marvel:
Mhmm. I thought as much.
5. Yet more hate for Justin Bieber :( (Examiner)
I saw his face and now I'm a Belieber.
I'm starting to understand how Fred Phelps and his army of nobheads actually work when they're picking on the famous people they're going to condemn to Hell. They're not targeting people being genuinely blasphemous or toxic to society, they're going after people who are going to get them publicity. In the past the Westboro Baptist Church have held their outrageously homophobic protests at the concerts of Adam Lambert and Lady GaGa. This time, unfortunately, it's Justin Bieber's turn.
That's right, at his concert in Kansas City on Wednesday night, protests were held by the Christian organisation who claim that "He [Justin Bieber] teaches you to sin and rebel against God's commandments...Justin will answer to God".
You can probably tell if you're a regular reader that I am really very fond of Justin Bieber, and you can also probably tell that I'm not at all fond of Westboro Baptist Church. They make me so angry I can't put it into words. They actually make me queasy with anger. And now they've made me even angrier still. I would love to meet Justin Bieber and shake his hand (and nothing more) because the ugly abuse he puts up with is unbelievable. And the boy is 16 years old.
When I was 16 if someone took the piss out of me it ruined my day. He has millions of people taking the piss out of him every single day; on Twitter, on their blogs, and now an entire Christian organisation is telling people to boycott his music because it will send you to Hell. Well let me tell you, Fred Phelps, you incredible bell end. If Hell's playing GaGa and Adam Lambert and Bieber, then it sounds like somewhere I'd be quite at home. And I'll see you there, you utter twat.
And so ends yet another cheery edition of the Silly Old Daniel Celebrity Roundup.
Divven't forget that if you fancy you can follow me on Twitter @sillyolddaniel. Just, you know, in case you were unaware.