Good news for fans of pop music that will only be heard by a handful of blog-reading gay men- Annie is back with a brand new single. I'm quite a big fan of Annie, her song I Know Ur Girlfriend Hates Me helped me through a particular difficult breakup when I was 17 and the guy I was going out with DECIDED HE WAS GOING TO START GOING OUT WITH GIRLS INSTEAD, meanwhile she also has a song called Anthonio which is about a man knocking her up on her holiday which I can slightly relate to because we all have mishaps on holiday- I once, on holiday for the first time without my parents in Gran Canaria, decided to use a cotton bud to clean my ears with (something my mother always forbade me from doing) only to push it in too far and deafen myself. Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents would have had a field day.
Anyway, this new Annie song is very good but it's not very...surprising. Do you know what I mean? It sounds exactly like what you'd expect an Annie song in 2013 sound like. There is a bit of a post-chorus bit where she goes "ooh ma ma ma, ooh ma ma ma" but actually maybe it is "ooh la la la" but I think "ma ma ma" sounds funnier, so I'm just going to pretend.
I also have an issue with the song because clearly she came up with the title "Tube Stops and Lonely Hearts" before anything else, thinking it sounded clever, which I suppose is quite a cynical way of looking at it but really I'd rather a song happen a bit more organically than that (saying that, I also love Little Mix's new song How You Doin' which has not one, not two, but eight co-writers so maybe that's a slightly hypocritical criticism from me there).
Whatever, it's a nice song. Listen to it here:
In honour of Annie's Swedish heritage-- let's be culturally insensitive and see how many Swedish Chefs out of five I'm going to give it?
Moving on.
Avril Lavigne - 17 (Live)
Release TBA
Avril Lavigne has unveiled another of the songs from her upcoming fifth album, the follow up to Goodbye Lullaby which arguably is one of the most embarrassing album titles ever. It's like Avril Lavigne had one hat, into which she put the words "dark", "goodbye", "midnight", "black" and "broken", then into the other hat she put the words "princess", "starlight", "innocence" and "lullaby" and drew out two Tumblr-tastic words to name her album. Her upcoming release is still unnamed but if you ask me "Dark Innocence", "Broken Starlight" and "Midnight Princess" are all possibilities.
So this new track was debuted in a live performance, where she explained the song was called 17 and it's about "...duh...being 17". Like I know I'm a Madonna fan so I shouldn't tell people to be acting their ages, but even Taylor Swift is now releasing songs about 22, and you've got a good five years on Taylor Swift, Avril.
Thankfully, the lyrics are about looking back at being 17, in particular a romance she had with a boy who works in a record shop, or a gas station or whoever it is that angsty American Canadian girls fall in love with when they're teenagers. I dread to think what my loser American boyfriend was chasing around when he was 17, although as previously discussed when I was 17 I was CHASING AROUND LADS WHO WOULD GO ON TO LEAVE ME FOR GIRLS. Not that I'm bitter or anything. Nope. Hardly ever think about it. Never.
Avril Lavigne in her later years has started singing the choruses of her songs in this really high shrill voice which I could imagine gets on some people's nerves, but personally I get a kick out of it, and this song has a really great sound to it even if the lyrics are incredibly cliché and generally "lame". It's also hard to take the lyrics seriously as when Avril Lavigne was actually 17 she was releasing songs like this:
17 is a nice song, and she looks like she's having fun performing it in the video, which you can see here:
It's OK, isn't it? But just how OK..?
And finally for today...
Sia - Kill and Run
Released 13th May
Jesus this Great Gatsby soundtrack is pretty fucking star-studded, isn't it? Florence, Beyoncé, Lana-- and no Emeli Sandé?? What the eff??
The latest song to be revealed from the soundtrack comes, this time, from Sia (of Diamonds and shouty-and-nonsensical-Christina-Aguilera-ballad fame). It's a far cry from the David Guetta and Flo-Rida collaborations that have made Sia a household name over the past 18 months, and in fact it's yet another vocals-and-piano number, but thankfully it sounds more in line with Lana Del Rey's effort than Florence's. In fact the lyrics sound very Del Rey-esque as well "kill and run...a bullet through your heart" she purrs in the chorus.
I'll be honest: this is a nice song, the words are nice, it's not unpleasant to listen to like that howling mess Florence put her name to (which I reviewed yesterday) but you'll have a hard time humming this back to yourself once it's over. Perhaps that's a shallow way of looking at music, but she's competing with some big names to make herself heard on this film soundtrack, and unfortunately I don't think this song is exceptional enough to be remembered next to some of the heavyweights on there.
Give it a listen yourself, and let me know if you think that's too harsh a criticism or you think I'm just being a bitch for no reason:
As the Swedish Chef himself would say, "herguee berguee lermee schermee":
Well I only had to make one graphic today, so I'm a happy man.
Released 21st July (aka not for fucking ages yet, unfortunately)
After what seems like a million years since her last release, Diana Vickers has finally set the wheels in motion for her new album release with the unveiling of her newest single Cinderella. Her debut album Songs From The Tainted Cherry Tree (the worst album name ever which, incidentally, doesn't feature anywhere on the album cover, a smart move by the art department if you ask me) managed to walk the tight-rope very well between bubblegum pop princess and cool, electro goddess (the album contains co-writes with Nerina Pallot, Ellie Goulding and a Björk cover). However the first single to come afterwards (My Wicked Heart, which will probably be most remembered for this YouTube video) seemed to be a big step backwards with its cooing, "woops-a-daisy" lyrics and a chorus nicked from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
Therefore, when it was revealed that Diana had signed to an indie label, I assumed her new material would be leaning much more towards the "cooler" stuff from her debut and she'd emerge as a Nicola Roberts character making sophisticated pop music that NME (with one "e") could probably still rave about.
For that reason, her new single Cinderella has come as a bit of a shock to me as it's so unashamedly pop that I could really imagine someone like Selena Gomez or even Cher Lloyd singing it, were it not for the vocals which are unmistakably Diana's. The song uses all of the fairytale imagery you'd expect from a song called Cinderella, my particular favourite line is in the chorus where she sings "for you I would lose both, both of my shoes" which I just think is fabulous.
The song is really lovely. It's twinkly, it's sweet and it has a lovely message. It will put a big smile on your face I think. Unless, obviously, you don't have a face, in which case forgive my insensitive comment there. How embarrassing. Listen to it yourself here:
Diana's old X Factor compadres JLS have announced this week they are to split. This is a big shame, because when I was living in France I had the JLS calendar and this means never again will those fabulous fitties pose together for a calendar. Shall we remind ourselves just how fit JLS are..?
So. Fucking. Fit.
Anyway, out of respect for their split, today's rating scale will be based on one of JLS's greatest successes- their line of condoms. So, how many colourful condoms out of five does the new Diana Vickers get?
Gross. Moving on.
Florence + the Machine - Over The Love
Released 13th May
The thing here is, the last two singles we've heard from Florence (with or without her machine) have featured Calvin Harris. So we're used to associating that big voice with the dance floor, hands in the air, accidentally spilling your drink on the girl next to you's hair extensions and blaming it on someone else. With those connotations in mind, it's easy to forget that Florence is just as capable as taking you to the height of euphoria with that big old wailing voice of hers, like she does on Spectrum and You've Got The Love and lesser hits like Drumming Song, as she is making an absolute howling racket.
Unfortunately that's exactly what she does on her latest offering, taken from the soundtrack to the upcoming film The Great Gatsby which is clearly going to be making mega dollars when it eventually comes out. Unlike Lana Del Rey's contribution, which is undeniably one of her finest songs to date, this Florence song is just not that good.
Speaking of Lana Del Rey, it starts off with just a quiet piano and her voice which makes it seem as if she's trying for some kind of Video Games vibe, but she quite simply hasn't got the range in her voice to pull it off. Florence is really at her best when she's shouting and bawling and hollering and yelling, which sometimes gives you chills, but in this case it just sounds like she needs to be put out of her misery.
The song's saving grace is the last 20 seconds where there's a very Florence-esque bit of CHANTING where she goes "I can see the green light, I can see it in your eyes" over and over again with lots of cool harmonies, and realistically who doesn't love a bit of chanting?
Listen to Over The Love here:
I do love Florence I think she's very cool and I like that she's British and a woman and all that, her albums are very good and mine and my boyfriend's "song" is even a Florence song (I don't mind telling you it's this one, provided you never mention it to me or use it against me or think ill of us for being a couple with "a song"), but this is just not pleasant listening, to be honest. And that's that.
Speaking of unpleasant, how many condoms does it get?
AND FINALLY
Jessie Ware - Love Thy Will Be Done
I'm not entirely sure why Jessie Ware has recorded this song, which is a cover of a 1991 hit for Martika (good old Martika...the greatest singer ever...Martika...). At first I thought it must have been for the repackaged American version of her album, but apparently that's already out. Maybe it's going to be a B-side or something.
Or maybe she's just recorded it because she had a spare afternoon, which I'd like to think is the case because music isn't something to be packaged and sold like tins of fruits or a Bounty bar-- it's there to be listened to and experienced and enjoyed. It's not about the money, money, money. Jessie Ware just wants to make the world dance. FORGET ABOUT THE PRICE TAG.
So anyway, I love Jessie Ware. She makes lovely quiet music. If my incessant capital letters haven't given me away already, I'm quite a loud person, but when I have my moments of decompression I like to put some Jessie Ware on and do some deep breathing. I'm a fan.
This new song is good, but it's surprisingly not quiet by Jessie Ware's standards. It opens with a lot of banging, as a matter of fact. Her vocals, of course, are quite hushed in her typical standard, but they sound lovely against all the drums and the synth and everything.
Whatever she chooses to do with this song, release it as an impromptu single or whack it on the end of an album re-release or put it out as a charity download, it's a great song and people should hear it. If she chose to put it out as a single, I think this could be to her what You've Got The Love was for Florence before she started making songs for The Great Gatsby soundtrack and deafening me with her shouting.
Listen to Love Thy Will Be Done here:
Absolutely stunning. But how many condoms is it worthy of..?
Before we wrap this blog up, I'm curious- what is your favourite Martika song? Is it Martika's Kitchen where she tells you her "oven's hot" and assures you that if you're good "I'll even let you break the dishes"? Or perhaps it's her poorly timed cover of Carole King's "I Feel The Earth Move" which was removed from radio following the 1989 San Francisco earthquake. OUCH. That is some bad timing right there. Whatever, your favourite Martika song, you can no doubt listen to it on her 1997 greatest hits album The Best Of Martika: More Than You Know.
After not one but two heterosexual men claimed to enjoy the last blog that I wrote a couple of days ago, I decided that maybe I should do my best to get on the blogging horse. And so here we are again, for another edition of NMEeeeeeh where we discuss three new releases and whether they are "much cop".
Union J - Carry You
Released 2nd June
I'll be honest, I didn't watch very much of the most recent series of X Factor, and from what I did see I can tell you now that I was not a fan of Union J. Maybe with bands like One Direction and The Wanted already having hit after hit I just don't see the need for another boyband, and these lot just seem like a less fun version of One Direction. Maybe it's just that I don't fancy any of them, a rarity when it comes to boybands, that I couldn't get interested in them. Or maybe, just maybe, I am simply too old to "get" groups like Union J.
However, Union J have one thing that One Direction do not and that is an openly gay member, so I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt and have an open mind when it came to listening to their debut single Carry You.
In fact, I was pleasantly surprised- Carry You is really catchy and not nearly as cheesy as the shite that One Direction churn out most of the time, and the chorus goes "I'll carry yo-o-o-OOOOOU" which sounds great. Moreover, the lyrics seem to be about going out with a total mentalist- "the demons are screaming so loud in your head, you're tired you're broken, you're bruised", they sing in the middle 8. Hopefully the video will feature Amanda Bynes wandering round the streets of Los Angeles in a hoodie, and Union J rushing to her aid. IMAGINE.
"I don't mind walking in your shoes", says one of them at one point. Probably the gay one. Any excuse to get some high heels on, eh? LOLZZZZ.
Don't just take my word for it though, have a listen to Carry You yourself:
What about Reese Witherspoon getting arrested, eh?? In honour of that totally unexpected turn of events, how many Reese mugshots out of five does Carry You get?
Lana Del Rey - Young and Beautiful Released 6th May
Poor old Lana Del Rey's contribution to the soundtrack to The Great Gatsby was slightly overshadowed when it was announced that Beyoncé would be (for some reason) covering Amy Winehouse's "Back To Black" for the film.
This is a song asking a man OR A WOMAN IF SHE IS SECRETLY A LESBIAN whether he will still be around when she is elderly. "Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?" she asks. The answer is yes, because let's not forget that she might not be young or beautiful, but she will probably still be rich and that's all that matters at the end of the day.
All jokes aside, this is quite possibly one of the finest songs Lana Del Rey has ever made, it sounds beautiful her voice is amazing and her delivery is, as ever, perfect. It's not even as depressing as most of her songs either, which is definitely in its favour.
Listen to Young and Beautiful yourself below:
Speaking of "young and beautiful", let's see how many Reese Witherspoons out of 5 the new Lana Del Rey song gets..?
Reese-tastic.
CSS - Hangover Release TBA
CSS, or Cansei de ser Sexy to give them their full Portugese title, are one of my favourite bands ever ever ever. Their last album was not up to much, in my humble opinion, but the singles Hits Me Like A Rock and City Grrrrrl were fabulous, so all is not lost.
Their new single is the first song to be taken from their upcoming album Planta, and it is called Hangover. There is a lot going on, there's a lot of sound effects and a lot of buzzing and hissing and a lot of stuff that doesn't really sound like it belongs together. However, if you persevere it does eventually start to make sense.
The song works on two levels, cleverly, it's not really singing about a hangover it's about having your heart broken. "Never had a hangover till you, never had my heart broken till you", sings the chorus, followed by a very sweet line "I'd walk through the gates of hell as long as I'm with you".
This song is admittedly not to everyone's tastes, honestly it's a bit of a racket. It's not amazing, and it's not among CSS's best work by any stretch of the imagination, which is a shame cos if this is a taste of what to expect from the album then it should probably come with ear plugs, but it's nice enough.
Listen to Hangover here:
Yeah, that's not for everyone.
How many disorderly Reese heads does it get, out of 5..?
It's beginning to dawn on me that my most recent Twitter followers probably don't even realise that I have/had a blog, and just think I'm an entitled dickhead with too many opinions. BUT NO. I ACTUALLY USED TO WRITE A BLOG, PEOPLE. TENS OF TWENTIES OF PEOPLE READ IT. In honour of this terrifying realisation, and as a means of avoiding doing my uni work which is due in in three weeks, let's have a look at three new releases from the last couple of days and decide whether or not it is a heap of old shite in my favourite recurring feature NMEeeeeeh.
Ke$ha - Crazy Kids, feat. will.i.am
Released TBA
Right. This isn't going to be pretty everyone, so I'm going to begin this review by reminding you that I love Ke$ha, I've paid good money for all three of her studio albums, her concert in Manchester was one of the best gigs I've ever been to, and I have always maintained that she is a gifted songwriter, unique performer and one of the best popstars in modern history.
Having said that, this song is just not all that. Her most recent album Warrior was, frankly, not worth the wait and only a handful of tracks stand out for me. Only Wanna Dance With You, for example, is probably my favourite Ke$ha song of her whole career while songs like Warrior and Out Alive still have that Ke$ha message of partying till dawn, but they show an evolution of sound that her first two singles Die Young and C'Mon just didn't.
For her third single, Ke$ha did something a little unprecedented and opted for Crazy Kids as the third single. Crazy Kids is basically everything we've come to expect from Ke$ha- there's lyrics about "not giving two fucks", "dancing on the dance floor and drinking by the bar" and "shining like stars".
The song's not totally generic, it opens with the best pop-song-whistle since Britney's I Wanna Go while the opening line "hello...wherever you are" before going on to confirm that "we are the crazy kids" shows Ke$ha wanting her misfit fans to know that they're on the same page and they have nothing to worry about. A bit of a heavy-handed message, admittedly, but still a nice one.
That said, for the single release Ke$ha has decided, seeing as her last couple of singles sold about a hundred copies between the, to recruit will.i.am to do a verse (which more or less means we'll see Ke$ha performing this one on The Voice in a few weeks)(and when I say "we" I mean "not me" because I don't watch shit like The Voice).
Now, will.i.am isn't to everyone's tastes, that's a given. Personally, I think he's got some good songs. Check It Out. 3 Words. Even T.H.E. has lyrics so terrible that you can't help but love them ("this beat is the shit, feces" being my personal favourite).
This song, on the other hand, is an abortion. It's a fucking mess. It's awful. I just despair. Right in the middle of Ke$ha's song about being yourself even if you don't fit in, and going for it with all you've got, will.i.am says "she put boobies in my face and now I'm really seeing double".
Boobies. In my face. And now I'm really seeing double.
I'd love to say that's the worst part of the song, but he follows that with "kissing while we talking so I'm speaking with a mumble" and as if that wasn't bad enough HE THEN STARTS MUMBLING TO ROUND OFF HIS FEATURE SPOT and goes "rumbum-umm-errmu-mme-rrmbumm-ummermumer-UMBLE". Fucking awful!
The final nail in the coffin is that, well, we all know I love a good swear. Swearing isn't big, it isn't clever, but I love it. This song has a lot of swearing in it, which means that for the radio edit Ke$ha has to say things like "we don't give a whut", which just makes me want to hurt people.
If you'd like to hear what can only be described as the musical equivalent of a botched enema, then give it a listen yourself.
I can't believe I'm saying this about an artist I really like, especially given how poorly the Warrior campaign is going, but I hope to God this song isn't a hit.
In honour of Ke$ha, how many Silly Old Jack Daniel's (DO YOU GET IT? BECAUSE I AM SILLY OLD DANIEL? HILARIOUS!) bottles out of 5 does Crazy Kids get?
NOT MANY IS THE ANSWER. Moving on.
Olly Murs - Dear Darlin'
Available now as part of Right Place, Right Time
If you have Olly Murs's most recent album Right Place, Right Time then you'll be familiar with Dear Darlin', which he announced as the third single to be taken from the album on his Twitter feed yesterday. Then again, how many people would actually go out of their way to listen to an entire album of Olly Murs?
Before we've even listened to the song, the title Dear Darlin' is already problematic. A song called Dear Darling would be bad enough, but that added apostrophe is pretty heinous. Having said that, we should give the song a chance because at the end of the day, Olly Murs is really fit and when it comes down to it that's all that matters, n'est-ce pas?
The song takes the form of a love letter sung aloud which opens with the lyrics "Dear Darlin', please excuse my writin', I can't stop my hands from shakin'". At first I thought this meant the song would be about coming down from heroin withdrawal, but I do not think this is the point of this particular song.
It starts with just him and a piano, which I'm not crazy about, ballads are never going to be Olly's strong-point, but by the second verse there's all kinds of shite going on with drums and strings. The song it puts me in mind of is the version of You Got The Love that plays over the closing credits of the final episode of Sex And The City which, frankly, if you don't get emotional at then you have no place in my life.
This song is very sad, everyone. It sounds like poor old Olly has had his heart broken. Poor lamb.
If you want you can listen to it below, or you can wait for every radio station and music channel to cram it down your throat. Up to you.
How does it fair on the Silly Old Jack Daniels scale, though..?
Daft Punk - Get Lucky, feat. Pharrell Williams Available now
Thanks to acts like Calvin Harris and Swedish House Mafia electronic music is fucking everywhere at the minute. All Daft Punk had to do was phone in another Harder Better Faster Stronger and they'd be more or less guaranteed a hit single. Therefore it's pretty noteworthy that what they've instead chosen to do is go in the complete opposite direction, roping in Pharrell Williams for their new single Get Lucky.
However, unlike Ke$ha, Daft Punk got a rapper on their new single and managed not to make a giant steaming turd of a song.
The single itself sounds like the 70s. It's got a bit of disco, a bit of 70s R&B, even a bit of funk, while still sounding relevant in 2013, which is a good thing. It's very catchy, very danceable, very cool-sounding. I don't know how else to describe it, to be honest. This is a song that is probably going to be very big.
After ten marvellous years (three of which they spent releasing no music whatsoever) Girls Aloud have played their final gig together and announced on their Twitter page they are no more. Why they felt the need to do this over a social networking site I have no idea, but that's that.
Last year Girls Aloud fans were invited to vote for their ten favourite non-singles to appear on the deluxe edition of their then-impending greatest hits album Ten. The fans cocked up massively, especially Cheryl Cole's fans who decided they'd be fucking idiots and vote for a song that only Cheryl has vocals on.
To commemorate this sad day in British pop history, here are my ten favourite Girls Aloud B-sides and album tracks that you may never have heard of, but if you're reading this and you've listened to my radio show, or indeed ever spent any time with me in person, then you probably already have a thousand fucking times.
Thank you, Girls Aloud. You were marvellous.
10. On The Metro (Ten)
So technically this song wasn't available to vote for because it actually appeared as a new track on the main disc of Ten, but it's still a very good song. It deals with the all-important theme of meeting someone in a club, then losing them and crying on public transport all the way home. Last Christmas I was home from my year abroad and I met a man named Peter in a night-club in Sunderland called "Passion". We kissed, and it was nice.
"What do you do for a living, Peter?" I asked.
"I'm a doctor", he said
"You're a doctor???" I repeated.
"No", he replied. He then told me again what his job was but because of the loud music I couldn't understand what he said, so as far as I was concerned I'd just got off with a doctor and that was that and we were going to get married and he was going to take care of me.
I then went to the toilets, and when I came back Peter was gone, never to be seen nor heard from again. Gutted. So, you see, I can relate to this song. I too have lost the love of my life in a nightclub environment. Of course, about a week later I started seeing this lad from America but I mean that's a whole other story really. Each night I still pine for Peter, and when I listen to On The Metro I crave his touch (I am obviously kidding, I am very much in a committed relationship with a person who is not Peter, although sometimes in bed I address him as Peter) (this is also obviously a joke) (or is it?) (yes it is).
The best part about On The Metro is that in the lyrics it says "I popped into the powder room" which is a very Mary Poppins-esque way of saying "I had a piss".
Amazing.
9. I Don't Really Hate You (See The Day)
"I've got a secret that I think you ought to know", says Kimberley on this brilliant little ditty. "The happy people are the ones who have a soul". SHE'S TALKING ABOUT YOU NADINE. Nar man.
This song was the B-side to what is undoubtedly the worst single Girls Aloud ever released, See The Day. What a fucking terrible song. The bewildering thing is, it's B-side is so good and it's one of the earliest songs that Nicola Roberts herself actually got any co-writing credit for, so well done pet you're clearly a lot more capable of writing a song than people give you credit for.
I Don't Really Hate You is, believe it or not, a song about explaining to someone you don't really hate them. That sentence right there pretty much explains why I got an E in my English Literature AS exam, n'est-ce pas?
8. Dog Without A Bone (Sexy! No No No…)
This song opens with the line "a five inch bullet" which, let's face it, is probably talking about a cock. This is a song about cock. It's a song about a man wanting to put his penis inside of a woman, and the woman not being as keen on the idea.
The chorus contains the lyric "[you're] hanging on my heels every night", which I like because even though Girls Aloud are wearing high heels they are clearly the powerful ones in the relationship, something which perhaps someone might do well to explain to Caitlin Moran.
Dog Without A Bone is quite a sexy song, and like the majority of the songs on this list it's from the post-"Something Kind Of Oooooh" era when Xenomania really started to make credible sounding pop music (the next single released after this was Call The Shots, which was undeniably a game-changer for Girls Aloud as important for them being taken seriously as when the Arctic Monkeys did that version of Love Machine and everyone pretended to have loved them all along even though they probably fucking didn't because people are JUST FUCKING SHEEP AREN'T THEY?????)
7. Revolution In The Head (Out Of Control)
By the time what turned out to be their final studio album Out Of Control came out, Girls Aloud were proper stars. Cheryl was on The X Factor, Nicola had embraced her gingerness and Sarah's partying was still seen as endearing rather than just a little bit sad.
Revolution In The Head is a song about just those sentiments: embracing who you are and making things happen instead of just sitting there. I think. I can't be sure. There's a line about "moving that ass" and, more confusingly, "gimme da ting gimme da ting gimme da oh oh oh".
I'm not 100%, so let's head over to my favourite website SongMeanings.net to see what user "Emerald54" has to say on the matter:
This song is purely about doing things rather than just sitting there, dreaming about it. Never put it off for tomorrow and do it now and don't stop until you succeed your aim. Gotta say this is one of my favourite Girls Aloud songs :)
You've got good taste, Emerald54, I'll give you that much.
6. Hoxton Heroes (Can't Speak French)
Girls Aloud not putting Hoxton Heroes on any of their studio albums is, to me, a bit like when Madonna pulled the plug on her original American Life video. They'd made this fabulous statement song, and received co-writers credit for it, but they decided it would be too controversial to actually release it properly so instead they plonked it on the end of the Can't Speak French single.
First, a bit of context. This song was recorded in early-to-mid 2007. A time when Girls Aloud weren't the most "credible" of acts. While they turned their back to record their Tangled Up album, guitar bands slowly crept back into the charts. I'm talking about The View, who wore the same jeans for four days in a row. I'm talking about Razorlight and that "woah oh oh OH there's something in America" song which made no fucking sense. And then out trotted Kate Nash on her piano, playing three chords in a row and wittering on about how "I like tea", "I drink tea" and "I have tea in the morning" in all of her songs, the special little snowflake that she is. WHAT A QUIRKY FRINGE, EH?
The thing all these fucking tedious acts had in common was that they were going on about how they were more worthy of being taken seriously than so-called "manufactured" acts, such as Girls Aloud, and music journalists were lapping it up, a bit like Jake Bugg laying into One Direction. IT'S STILL GOING ON TODAY PEOPLE.
The difference is, Girls Aloud couldn't be arced with that shite, and so they released a little song called Hoxton Heroes about how everyone else needs to get a fucking life because they're every bit as manufactured as they are.
"Don't kid yourself you're an indie clone", they sing in the chorus, "We've seen it before, get a sound of your own". Pretty brave stuff for a band who'd not really been controversial in the past (apart from that time Cheryl lamped a toilet attendant in the face but let's not dwell on that).
"You bought a trilby and a cheap guitar, you thought you'd be a star, didn't get you that far". AMAZING.
5. Models (Chemistry)
Models is one of the oldest songs on this list, and is one of just two of my chosen songs which got a feature on the Ten tour (this one was just a video interlude). Predictably, given the title, it's about models, and more specifically the men who want to shag them. This is actually what the second ever episode of Sex And The City is about, and I often wonder if that's what inspired the song. It's probably not, but whatever.
It also contains the word "shit" which is one of my favourite and certainly most-used swear words, so there you go. And Cheryl tries her best posh voice and says "darling we're in fashion, don't you know?"
I don't really have anything else to say. It's good.
4. Graffiti My Soul (What Will The Neighbours Say?)
If you ask most pop music buffs what is their favourite Girls Aloud album track they will tell you Graffiti My Soul. They'll probably bore you with the details of how Britney Spears's people said to Xenomania WRITE A SONG FOR BRITNEY expecting something identical to Sound Of The Underground, and what they got was stuttering, almost grimy sounding guitar-led piece of POP WONDERMENT.
For some reason, Britney's people turned it down but Britney's loss was Girls Aloud's gain and they got to record this song. Britney also turned down Umbrella by Rihanna, you know. SOLID GOLD POP FACT YOU CAN TAKE TO THE BANK.
Graffiti My Soul is fucking wonderful, although there is a line that says "got a fist full of love that's coming your way baby" which is enough to make Julian Clary himself wince, isn't it? MATRON.
3. Miss You Bow Wow (Out Of Control)
This song is crackers. There's a lot going on. Sarah Harding fucking owns this song when she sings "I remem-BERRRRRRRR living the dream". I can't really explain this one either so let's go back to our old friend Emerald54 over on SongMeanings.net to sum this one up for us, shall we..?
i think taht this song means that when the girls get tempted to go and sleep with someone else or go out on a drinking session, they call 999 for a doctor which is the boyfriend. and as they miss him he comes and rescues his girl. and when he 'rescues' her, he makes her feel as though they are the only lovers that night cuz da sex is so good!
"Cuz da sex is so good"??? EMERALD54 YOU HORNY THING, YOU!
Nar seriously though, that pretty much knocks the nail on the head. It sounds very 60s-ish, the chorus makes no sense and Sarah Harding sings a line about dialling "999" which is very British and that is why Girls Aloud are so good.
2. Watch Me Go (Chemistry)
Like most of Girls Aloud's classics (Biology, Love Machine and The Promise, to name but a few) this is a song that has about six different choruses and there's a lot going on but it somehow is pieced together and works magically.
The song ends with Cheryl Cole rapping about a trombone. My boyfriend used to play the trombone you know. WHAT A FUCKING LOSER. Nar man, seriously, he's brilliant.
There's also a fabulous bit of "at quarter past one, I was having fun" "trying to make a move/quarter past two", "then we went for more, quarter past four" action, which frankly is brilliant and could be used to teach kids the time, but there's also a bit about being "tied up to your bed" which is not 100% child-friendly.
"Said your name was Ben". Inspired.
1. Singapore (I Think We're Alone Now)
"I'm watching daytime TV, just wishing you were with me, I'm counting hours and days, gotta stop believing what the movies say". Just gorgeous.
I will miss you, Girls Aloud. Sarah the motor-mouth blonde. Nicola the moody and ever-so-slightly awkward ginger beauty. Cheryl the Geordie glue holding the group together. Nadine- the incomprehensible diva forgetting everyone's names. And the other one.
It's disgusting how long it's been since I've blogged, everyone, and for that I'm truly sorry. I'd fill you in on what I've been up to, but frankly it's been three months and aside from visiting my lad in Texas there isn't really a lot to tell.
So I'll tell you what happened. I got in from University earlier and I looked around my bedroom and I was appalled at the disarray I was confronted with. So I decided I was going to tidy it. And, in a move totally out of character, I rolled up my sleeves and I did it. And once my desk and chair were clear of all the shite they are usually covered in (not literally, obviously), I decided to sit down and write. But what was I going to write? Was it going to be a contribution to my dissertation, the due date of which grows nearer and nearer as the days roll along? DON'T MAKE ME LARFF, MATE, I'M DOING A BLOG.
For them what can't remember, in my NMEeeeeeh feature we listen to new music (hence the NM) and then go "eeeeeeh!" (hence the "Eeeeeeh").
New music, anyone?
One Direction - One Way Or Another
Released February 17th
So it has been revealed that, following in the footsteps of the Spice Girls and that time Peter Kay made that song with Fireman Sam and various other fictional characters, One Direction will be the performers of this year's official Comic Relief single with a cover of Blondie's One Way Or Another.
The song leaked in its entirety and everyone has lost their shit. One Direction fans are going mental because people are listening to the song before they were meant to, and everyone else is going mental because a boyband have covered a song by someone "authentic". RUN FOR THE HILLS, THE SKY IS FALLING, FIRE IS RAINING FROM THE CLOUDS, HORSES ARE EATING THEMSELVES; ONE DIRECTION HAVE DARED TO COVER A SONG BY A GUITAR BAND.
No, folks. If you like the original, it's still there for you to listen to. If you like this, then you have a new song to like.
The song itself isn't bad, it basically sounds exactly like you'd expect One Direction covering One Way Or Another would sound (except there's a bit of Teenage Kicks thrown in for good measure-- which incidentally I suggested aaaaaages ago on Twitter they should cover since the Jedward version of it is so good- COVER YOUR EARS FANS OF "AUTHENTIC" MUSIC). I like it, to be honest, and I've paid good money to go and see Blondie this July.
What I'm 100% not looking forward to is the music video which, especially given it is in aid of Comic Relief, is bound to be filled with all kinds of "tomfoolery" and "clowning around". Zayn Malik is already incapable of delivering a line without raising his eyebrow, pulling a stupid face, randomly pointing or bouncing around with his arms around the rest of the 1D "lads", this video is going to be painful.
Still, it can't be as insufferable as this Comic Relief video from The Wanted, where they do try their best to make it look like they're enjoying themselves, but end up looking- to quote the great prophet Niall Horan- like a shower of cunts.
Fancy a listen to the low-quality leak of the new One Direction single?
In honour of Harry Styles joining the ultra-exclusive Taylor Swift Ex-Boyfriend Club (he's now the proud owner of an "I Boinked Taylor Swift And All I Got Was This T-Shirt" t-shirt, of which only 400 were ever printed), how many Taylor Swift Ex-Boyfriends out of 5 does the new One Direction song get..?
I'm not being funny but all in a line it's very clear Taylor Swift has a type, isn't it?
Tegan & Sara - Closer
Released February 10th
Tegan & Sara are twin sisters from a country called Canada. Unlike some twins, like Jedward or the Kray Twins, Tegan & Sara aren't evil, and in fact are really good. If you read any music blogs at all, you'll probably already have heard Closer the first single off their new album Heartthrob and their first proper UK release. If you don't ready any music blogs, then allow me to inform you.
Now, admittedly I only knew one Tegan & Sara song before I heard this one, and that song was called Back In Your Head. That song was, and indeed still is, absolutely cracking. Thankfully this new song is every bit as good as that, except it is a lot twinklier and more poppy, largely thanks to Greg Kurstin who has worked with lots of cool people like Little Boots and Lily Rose Cooper, and lots of tremendously uncool people like Kelly Clarkson and Dido.
Closer is essentially a really nice love song with lyrics about not treating someone, probably a boyfriend, "like you're oh so typical", while they go on to talk about trying to get someone, again probably a boy, "underneath me". STEADY ON GIRLS. With lyrics like that, the boys will come swarming, I'm sure!
Shall we have a look at the video? IT FEATURES KARAOKE, which is always a laugh. Except, of course, for the time I did Your Song on karaoke at The Bank Bar in Newcastle, got a free shot which then made me sick and as I ran up to the toilets to be sick I tripped on the stairs and threw up all down my front, which was really embarrassing. Thankfully there is none of that in this video:
Question is- where does it fall on the Taylor Swift Ex-Boyfriend spectrum..
Never mind Taylor Swift, if they keep this up then this pair of fittie twins might have their own string of celebrity ex-boyfriends before long-- am I right, lads?? PHWOOOOOAR.
AND FINALLY.
Tom Odell - Hold Me
Released March 31st
Following in the footsteps of Jessie J and Emeli Bloody Sandé, Tom Odell is the first ever male winner of the Critics' Choice award at the BRIT Awards. However don't let the fact that Tom has nice blond hair and looks a bit like Ellie Goulding's brother fool you, his music is far from lovely and is actually quite a racket.
Hold Me is Tom's first proper single, and while it isn't the worst thing I've ever heard, it does sound slightly like he wants put out of his misery a little bit. Cheer up, Tommo, it isn't that bad, surely? The piano of it all is nice and puts me in mind of early Coldplay (that was intended as a compliment in case you're interested) but his voice is just not pleasant. I'll throw my hands up and say that clearly I am not Tom Odell's target audience, but come along now there's no need for all that whooping and hollering, is there?
If you'd like to hear a load of shouting, here is Hold Me for yourself:
Come on, Tom! Give us a smile, eh?
Where does it rate on our Taylor Swift Ex-Boyfriend scale, though-- that's what you clearly want to know.
Did everyone have a good Halloween? I certainly did, although I did spend the rest of the following day in a horribly hungover special and was in bed before my flatmates for the first time since moving in with them.
Fancy listening to some new music..?
Amelia Lily - Shut Up (And Give Me Whatever You Got)
Released January 2013.
I don't like to mention this, but I was living in France this time last year, meaning I didn't get to see very much at all of the previous series of The X Factor. Therefore the first time I actually got to hear anything from Amelia Lily was when she released her debut single earlier this year, You Bring Me Joy. It wasn't my favourite song in the world, I'll admit, but over time it started to grow on me.
This follow-up single wastes no time easing into the message of the song, and opens with Amelia Lily sing-shouting "shut up and give me whatever you got" before the intro kicks in. The verses start and we hear Amelia singing about "waiting for a session" and "feeling pressure" Session. LOL.
By the time the chorus gets going, it basically sounds exactly like something Girls Aloud would release as a second single. Which is why it's not exactly surprising to hear that it was produced by Xenomania, who've produced every Girls Aloud single to date, as well as Amelia Lily's debut You Bring Me Joy. Well done Xenomania for making some brilliant songs as time has gone by.
Overall I like it. There are bits where she goes "oooooh" which are lovely, and you can't argue with a song called Shut Up (And Give Me Whatever You Got), can you? The only thing is, when she's really going for it Amelia Lily's voice isn't the MOST pleasant thing to listen to in the world. It's not the most unpleasant either, though, and the song is really very good. However, it's neither as good as Shut Up And Let Me Go by The Ting Tings nor Shut Up And Drive by Rihanna, which is a shame.
Listen to it for yourself here:
As a tribute to the fact that Amelia Lily is a North East lass herself, today's rating will be based on "Greggs sausage rolls". But how many "Greggs sausage rolls" out of 5 has Amelia managed to score?
MOVING ON.
Ludacris - Rest Of My Life, feat. David Guetta and Usher
Released 2nd November.
We all know what David Guetta is capable of. He's capable of Titanium, he's capable of When Love Takes Over and he's capable of Without You. And he's also capable for a myriad of dance tunes which are all OK-at-best and all sound exactly the same. Question is: which one is his new Ludacris collaboration?
Well, to be honest, this is nothing we haven't heard from David Guetta a million times before. Usher sounds lovely on the track, but Ludacris's lyrics include "written on my tombstone will be women, weed and alcohol" and "I feel inner peace when I'm out of my mind", which pretty much sums the song up. It's pretty unoriginal, even by David Guetta's standards, and that's saying something.
Give it a spin yourself here:
How many sausage rolls has it earned, though..?
Daniel Bedingfield - Secret Fear
Available for free download now
I shit you not, everyone. Daniel "The Bedster" Bedingfield is back. It's been seven long years since his last proper single which featured the lyrical genius "Jesus, Jesus, never changes". He certainly does love the Lord.
So, what can we expect from his comeback? More of the same, perhaps a nice ballad along the lines of If You're Not The One or the even more nauseating Never Gonna Leave Your Side?
Well as it turns out: no is the short answer to that.
In fact Secret Fear starts off as a dark, moody and actually a little bit creepy ode to not being able to get over a past love with hushed vocals and a guitar accompaniment. THEN THE CHORUS KICKS OFF AND IT ALL GOES OFF AND IT'S ACTUALLY QUITE EXCITING. As if all that wasn't enough, its accompanying music video features full-frontal nudity and graphic violence-- WHAT WOULD NATASHA SAY???
Seriously, though, I'd say this song was "surprisingly good" but actually it shouldn't be a surprise, some of Daniel Bedingfield's past songs are really good indeed. It's clear in the time he's been gone, he's done some "growing up" and clearly someone has driven him a little bit mental because he seems like a right old crazy bitch when you listen to him singing "I can't swim without your love, I can't eat without you baby". Bloody mentalist.
Check out the song for yourself, as well as his nob, in the video below:
A genuine extract from Daniel Bedingfield's Wikipedia page reads as follows:
These injuries required him to wear a head brace and took six months to heal. Daniel used the lyrics in his most famous song 'Gotta Get Thru This' as inspiration and did in fact 'get through it'.
Amazing.
You've seen his sausage, now see his sausage roll score (a tenuous link, I know, I do apologise):
There is a uni deadline looming which of course means it's time for a new blog. Who's in the mood for some new music- eeeeeeh?
McFly - Love Is Easy
Released 11th November
McFly are one of those bands that generally get a lot of stick from critics. Yes, some of their music is so terrible it's unforgivable but for every ill-advised cover like Mr Brightside or flop like One For The Radio there's a fantastic ditty like All About You or a song so heartbreakingly beautiful that listening to it leaves one gasping for air like The Heart Never Lies.
Their new single is the lead track from their upcoming second greatest hits collection. Does the world actually need a new McFly single? No it honestly does not, but it's a lovely little song featuring a ukelele, and frankly anything with a ukelele in it gets my vote. It's unfortunate that in promo for their new venture the lads think it's OK to stick four identical suits on (it's not OK, lads, it's not OK) but if you can overlook this poor fashion choice, the song is very nice indeed.
It also has a really nice opening bit where Tom goes "do do do do do, do do do do do do, do do do do do do" which might well be a reference to their debut single Five Colours In Her Hair but it also might not. The lyrics are really, really nice as well. They're about how happy one can feel when one is in love.
It's not going to knock the planet of orbit, but frankly if the planet was knocked out of orbit we'd probably all spiral to our deaths so that's probably for the best isn't it?
You can listen to it for yourself through the medium of video right here:
Tomorrow, of course, is October 31st which means one thing and one thing only....
WILLOW SMITH'S 12TH BIRTHDAY!!
So, how many Willow Smiths out of 5 has the new McFly single earned..?
One Direction - Little Things
Released 12th November
I really did try not to pre-judge this song based on the fact it was written by Ed Sheeran who, in my humble opinion, is more toxic to pop music than Psy and Carley Ra"e Jepsen combined. But do you know what? Just looking at him frustrates me, and I fear this may have tainted my opinions on this new One Direction single.
This song is a bit of a weird one in that on one hand the One Direction "crew" are telling some girl that they're madly in love with her in the chorus, while the verses are essentially a list of everything that is wrong with the girl.
"You've never loved the crinkles by your eyes", they start before going on to mention how much the same girl doesn't like "her stomach or her thighs". It doesn't stop there, though, "The dimples in your back", the fact the lass has to "squeeze into her jeans" and even the fact she can't go to bed "without a cup of tea" all get a look in. It's a good job Ed Sheeran/One Direction love this lass so much, it sounds like no other fucker would.
Truthfully this song is not for me. It's shit, to be honest. And I'm not saying that in a "LOL ONE DIRECTION R SHITTTTT" way, I love One Thing and Live While We're Young is also worth a listen, and I'd certainly shag 80% of them, but this is just drivel. Honestly. If you don't believe me ASK THE DISHES. Nar man, cheeky Beauty and the Beast reference there.
Seriously though, if you don't believe me here is Littlest Things:
Christ on his throne.
Daley - Remember Me, feat. Jessie J
Released 2nd December
Unfortunately in this case the Daley in question is not the Olympic diver, "special friend" of Liam Payne and frequent staple in my sexual fantasies Tom Daley, but the curly-haired singer who has supported Emeli Sandé and Jessie J on their respective UK tours.
This single, a collaboration with wearer of coloured wigs and breaker of limbs Jessie J, is quite good. It's got a bit of a funky vibe to it, and actually puts me in mind of former Voice UK contestant Vince Kidd. Jessie J's screeching is kept to a minimum, which should keep critics happy, and the chorus is nice enough.
I will, however, probably never listen to this song ever again. It's nice but it's utterly forgettable. In fact, here is the video. Test yourself: listen to the song in full then count to 50 and see if you can sing it back to yourself. I bet you can't (sing it back to yourself, that is. I'm not doubting your ability to count to 50. YOU CLEVER THING YOU):
Mhmm.
How many "Willow Smiths" has Remember Me racked up, though?
